Good Days

There are good days, and then there are bad ones. Somehow the bad ones seem so much worse, yet today was a good day. Even though I had four hours of classes, and six hours of meetings non stop, and then a three hour event all right after each other. I really can't complain, life is good, for once. 

I discovered this morning that I got a raise, I think. I know that sounds weird, but I was looking at my bank statement this morning and they added me a dollar per hour. You know you're getting old if you're actually looking at your bank statements. But I'm fine with getting older, and no it's not so I can turn 21 and start buying alcohol, it's because to me the older you are the more freedom you get. I don't know how true that statement is, but I really hope it is. 

I know this is a dull post, I promise I'll talk about politics or something soon, but for now I'm exhausted and I'm just about ready to pass out, so good night everyone.

Bipolar

So I think I might be bipolar. Yet I've been to a therapist and everything and he assured me I wasn't  But yesterday for an hour I wanted to kill myself and today I'm fine. Hm... Maybe it's just college life. And it makes sense that I’ll be pretty happy today. I found someone to give me a ride for my job interview, I’m not failing anything anymore, I talked to three or four amazing people in my call center job today, and I don't have that much work left to do.

Working in a call center is always tricky, because sometimes you hate yourself more than the people hate you. but in my case I work for my universities call center, and all we care about is participation, and if they help out they'll be helping themselves because it helps our rankings, and with better rankings they can get better jobs. Yet even with all that, some people can be asses. I've had people yelling at me from the beginning of the conversation, to the point where I couldn't understand what they were saying, and they didn't understand what I was saying. It's unfortunate that some people don't realize that even if they don't want to donate I'd still like to talk to them. I love talking to people, and hearing their stories, my job isn't dependent on whether they donate or not, it's actually the opposite. Because in the end if people are happy they'll donate when they can, and that's all we care about. 

An update on my writing- absolutely nothing. I haven’t been writing since I got back. Hopefully in fall break, except I have a 300 person conference that I need to make happen right in the end of break, so maybe not. 

Depression and Home

I've known for quite some time now that I hate living in Jordan. I don't hate the country, in fact i'm fine with visiting for a couple of weeks a year. What I'm not fine with is living there. Today, after years of depression and being suicidal I discovered there's most definitely a link between being depressed and the place you live. Jordan made me depressed, and suicidal for 2 years, and now after more than a year of being out of it I'm depressed again. It was very surprising because I didn't I had a reason to be, but today I actually wanted to kill myself. Again this is very strange, because i've been doing pretty good, and there's nothing bad happening in my life. I am tired, and i've never actually found it easier or more pleasant to be alive than to be dead, but still, killing myself.. I mean come on, I'm becoming like those people that kill themselves just because they're bored. Later in the day though I discovered that I didnt want to kill myself, and in fact everytime I'm outside i'm happy, it's just being in room that's depressing. All that made me think about Jordan, and how for a while this summer sucked cuz I was staying in my old room, the same room I imagined killing myself a million ways, and I realized that outside that room I was fine, it was always the room. 

Things That Should Never Happen!

My mind is flaring with pain, and my eyes are barely open, but I need to say what I’m about to say before I pass out.

I’m a Muslim, and I condemn what’s happening all over the Middle East in protest for the release of the video insulting the Prophet Mohammad. We’re Muslims, which is a religion of peace, and yet you go out there storming embassies and killing people that are just doing their jobs. Even if they did insult him, you cannot kill them. I don’t know how else to say it. Who are we to pass judgment on them, and not even execute them but brutally murder them. There’s a verse in the Quran that says that if you kill a human being it’s like killing everyone else. There are only very, and I mean very specific cases when you can kill someone, and it’s definitely not to kill all the US ambassadors and anyone working in an Embassy. What are you accomplishing by attacking embassies?

 I know how this looks to everyone reading about these events in the news. I myself find myself judging individuals for the hate crimes they’ve committed. But I would like to point out, even though most will not believe me, that a true would never do such a thing. Unfortunately nowadays, in a lot of areas in the Middle East Islam is not practiced correctly, and most of the people there only know what their parents have taught them and no nothing of the actual religion. Because of these individuals every single Muslim is put under a spotlight and we are judged for beliefs that are not ours. To everyone who’s been hurt by one of these Muslims I apologize, but that’s not what Islam is. They might call themselves Muslims, but would you call a Christian Christian if they don’t believe in Jesus. These individuals are going against everything Islam stands for.

My condolences go to the families of the people who’ve lost someone in the ordeals, and to anyone that’s been hurt by things that simply should never happen.  

Bored

I never thought I'd say this, but having nothing to do sucks. Not in the sense that you're thinking about. I've had a pretty rough month, with 8AM-8PM days (at least), this past Wednesday was a 7Am-11PM day. Yet now, on a Friday night, not only am I too tired to go out, I also have to wake up at 8AM to give tours for 7 hours straight, I still find myself sitting here at 2AM being bored. I can't fall asleep, too tired to get any work done, and I'm getting pissed off at some of the organizations I'm involved in. I won’t name them, because they're awesome, except I'm an exec and somehow I have absolutely nothing to do in these organizations. Have you ever felt like you weren’t needed for anything, but had to be present for no reason? Well that's how I feel. I'm a treasurer in one of them, and we're organizing a 300 person conference. You'd think the treasurer would have a lot to do, but no, I have nothing. They tell me to send out an email a week, and it's pissing me off. I'm either the god damn treasurer or I'm not, I'd like to know. I never thought I’d hate not being given work, because that's exactly what I loved. I always wanted to be overlooked, so I can have less work. So what the hell is wrong with me now? But I still want to know. I'm busy enough as it is, so it's either I’m all in or I’m all out. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

LIVING

I've been feeling a bit down lately. Emptiness has crept into my life, and I don't fully know why. My past is haunting me (again), like I’m sure it haunts every one of us. Always creeping in the back of your mind, pushing memories back into your dreams, and the moment you feel almost alright it creeps back in and shatters your world.

It doesn't shatter me like it used to, for one I’m no longer calculated the speed of a moving car to see if it'd actually kill me if I jumped in front of it. Nor am I wondering how many stories it'd take to kill me as swiftly as possible.

I've never tried killing myself because for some reason I believe in Hell. I know most people say they believe in God, and heaven and I do believe in those things. But hell is what keeps me going, because so many people need to be thrown in there, and there are a few people I can never forgive, and I can never accept that they'll go unpunished. So I believe in hell. I believe that one day all those assholes will be there, the people that hurt others and never pay for it. And thus I couldn’t kill myself, because in my religion if you kill yourself you go straight to hell. And facing those assholes for the rest of eternity was far worse than facing them in my memories, or even occasionally in real life. Despite everything I have some hilarious stories to go along with those very few occasions, but to me they were never funny.

That kind of thinking was melded into my mind for over two years. Before that came depression, for three years (I think), there was a time where I’d tell people that I want to kill myself. I begged for help, but there was no one there, and when I finally gave up I was relieved. I used to think that people that commit suicide are assholes, because they're so selfish that they don’t care that they're hurting everyone they've ever known. And then I understood, and I stopped caring, and then that ounce of hope was taken away from me. But then things got better. One day I woke up and realized I wasn’t going to die that day, or the day after that, perhaps I’d live for another 60 years, or maybe a few hours. No matter, I wanted to have a good life for that time period. I didn’t care when I died anymore, but I told myself that I deserved a better life for that time. That I should be living my life as I await death. 

I never truly started living, but I changed my life. I left the hell I was in, I ripped the venomous people out of my life, and I got a better life. It was never perfect, but I tried things I never would have. Some of those things sucked, others were awesome. I met some amazing people, and some terrible ones. I even met amazing people that simply didn’t fit into my life. They made me feel bad, but nevertheless they were good people, but I replaced them with less awesome people that made me feel better about myself. 

All in all I ran away. I ran away from the country I was living in, the friends that were hurting me, and everything. But in life you can't run, and some of that will always creep back into your life. That's what happened this summer. Everything came back, and I wasn’t sure I can handle it. But I told myself it was only for a couple of months, and then it'd be over, but something’s followed me here. My worthlessness, my failures, they're everywhere now, and I need to stop running away from them. I need to finally face them, and make the best out of them. They’ll always be a part of me, but maybe; just maybe, someday they'll be a good part of me. I might never trust anyone ever, and maybe I will, but it doesn’t matter. I won’t judge my life by how normal I’ve become, or how much I can trust people, but by how much I change in it every day attempting to find something better.

Here's to living life to the fullest, or living the best life you can until living is more appealing than dying, and if you never achieve that then live awaiting a lost lover that will be sweeter with a better life.

BACK

So I'm finally back in school. We actually started yesterday, but I’ve been here for the past three weeks for RA training and everything. I haven’t posted anything in quite a while, and honestly I don’t really have anything to share. Training was hell, for a while, before I realized that the RA's are awesome, and then it wasn’t too bad. My residents are pretty awesome, hopefully everything will go smoothly this year, and if it doesn’t hopefully I won’t have a lot of paperwork to fill out. But surprisingly other than that nothing has happened. For god's sake I traveled like 3000 miles, yet there's nothing worth talking about. I haven’t worked on my book for the longest time, and honestly I doubt I’ll be able to work on it anytime soon. This means I need to delay trying to publish it until at least next year. I was always hoping to have it finalized by winter break, and to start sending query letters in December or the beginning of 2013, but that doesn’t seem likely anymore. I had a roommate for a couple of days this week. My first roommate ever needed a place to stay for a couple of days. It's safe to say that things didn’t end up well, like always I suppose. I want to say that something interesting is happening with my life but honestly it feels empty, despite my schedule being filled all the time. I don’t know if something is wrong, but it feels like it, even though there really shouldn’t be anything wrong.