Perks

I went to see the perks of being a wallflower tonight, and i'm pleasantly surprised by it. I saw the trailer for it a few months ago when it first came out, and I wanted to see it. The thing is though; I want to see a lot of movies, so if it weren't for my friend insisting on watching it I probably would've waited until i have a break or something.

I wasn't really sure what to expect going in though, the trailer was very vague, and honestly Emma Watson was the only reason I wanted to watch the movie in the first place. The movie is mainly about an introvert freshman trying to deal with the difficulties of high school, and overcome his past all at the same time. Which from personal experience I can tell you is not easy. High school alone is hard enough, but if your past is haunting you then that needs to be taken care of.

I think the book and movie relate to everyone's lives, whether you had a rough time through high school or not, and for some of us it makes us envious that we didn't have friends like Sam (Emma Watson) and Patrick (Ezra Miller) as we were going through some of this stuff.

The movie made me think a lot about my own life. I didn't have a very conventional high school experience, but there were a lot of things in the movie that I could relate to, right down to the fact that he wants to be a writer. Unfortunately I understand a lot of what the character goes through in the movie, far more that I'd like to admit.

Overall it was a wonderful movie. Some things had to be cut from the book as my friend put it, but they needed it to appeal to everyone so it's understandable. I give it a 4 out of 5.

Different Corners of the World

Do you know what's the worst thing you can go through? Maybe not the worst because you can always imagine the impossible happened. but something extremely bad. Something that tears you apart more than you're already torn apart. The worst thing is if you're crying for help yet there's no on there to help, no one listens to your pleas, and you're all alone. I remember going through that. I remember accepting my depression and then wanting to kill myself, but right between those two I called for help. I used to tell everyone i wanted to die, I even told them I counted how high building are, and how fast cars are going to see if they'd actually kill me and not just leave me paralyzed  Yet no one listened, and I was alone, and before long it escalated and killing myself was the sweetest thing. 

I'm not bringing this up because i'm back to that, in fact I couldn't be happier (God I hope that's not true). But I was informed this morning that one of my sisters is talking to a friend of mine. I know that doesn't sound alarming, but they've never met, I've never introduced them, and they live a few thousand miles apart. My sister couldn't talk to anyone about her issues, so she looked to my friend all the way in Norway. She's depressed, like I'm sure at least half my sisters are. My parents are probably as well, but no one acknowledges any of it. And I fear that they'll suffer the same fate I did, and go so far down they never escape it. because even now, nearing happiness as I am, I see death as a sweeter delight that life. and I don't think I'll ever want to live more than to die.

I know this is my fault because I left, but honestly I would've made them more miserable by being there  I'm a terrible brother  and a terrible human being, and sometimes I think that if I died, or even faked my death they'd be better off. but I know that's not true, because love is a poison running through our hearts, and for whatever reason they love me, and in a weird sort of way I love my family. Yet we're all paralyzed by hopelessness and the different corners of the world life has put us in. I'll never be able to live with them again, and honestly I don't think i'll ever have anyone other than them. I will be alone forever, and forever never seems to end. 

Work Work Work

I had my interview this morning and it went rather well, despite that I practically forgot everything I know about the software they want me for. It was a pretty amazing company, and I'd love to work there, but we'll have to see what happens. I mean even if they offer me the position I still have to deal with the whole RA ordeal. I doubt they'd let me go that easily. But again, I'll have to wait and see.

I have so many things to do I can't even worry about that. I have a test this week, like four labs, and a million things to do for the conference. And the week after that I have five tests, a final, and a million more things to do for the conference. Then in the break, I have two jobs, a million things to finish for the conference, finish editing PARADOX, and plan all the events I want for B-term. So much for a break!

Exhaustion

So I know this title suggests that I'm actually bi-polar because one day I love my life and the next I hate it, but you're wrong. I'm tired, not depressed today. This was one of those days between good and bad, where you don't have time to think about how you feel.
I've been walking/running around for the past 9 hours, so I haven't had time for much. First I had to setup for a special screening of Brave for Parents weekend, and then I helped with the tie-dye event for parents, and then gave mini tours of one of the oldest places on campus, again for a parents program. Then something unexpected happened, I got a text from a friend of mine that said that his parents want to meet me. This should be fine, and almost normal, but nothing is normal when I'm involved. See the thing is I talked to the kids father last year in my call center job, and this was before we became friends. He was a pretty cool guy though, and I didn't mind meeting him, but I was exhausted. We talked for a while, and I wanted to pass out so bad every moment of it, but I couldn't. And now I'm back on duty, so I have more rounds until 1 AM, and then someone can wake me up if anything is wrong from then till 9AM. Oh yeah, and I can't leave my building until then. It's not too bad, because I don't want to leave this place anyways, I'm too tired to go anywhere. 
Overall though my day hasn't been bad, it's been exhausting but tomorrow will be worse,and after that will be even worse, and then at some point all have a good day and I can get back to convincing myself that I'm suicidal.

Good Days

There are good days, and then there are bad ones. Somehow the bad ones seem so much worse, yet today was a good day. Even though I had four hours of classes, and six hours of meetings non stop, and then a three hour event all right after each other. I really can't complain, life is good, for once. 

I discovered this morning that I got a raise, I think. I know that sounds weird, but I was looking at my bank statement this morning and they added me a dollar per hour. You know you're getting old if you're actually looking at your bank statements. But I'm fine with getting older, and no it's not so I can turn 21 and start buying alcohol, it's because to me the older you are the more freedom you get. I don't know how true that statement is, but I really hope it is. 

I know this is a dull post, I promise I'll talk about politics or something soon, but for now I'm exhausted and I'm just about ready to pass out, so good night everyone.

Bipolar

So I think I might be bipolar. Yet I've been to a therapist and everything and he assured me I wasn't  But yesterday for an hour I wanted to kill myself and today I'm fine. Hm... Maybe it's just college life. And it makes sense that I’ll be pretty happy today. I found someone to give me a ride for my job interview, I’m not failing anything anymore, I talked to three or four amazing people in my call center job today, and I don't have that much work left to do.

Working in a call center is always tricky, because sometimes you hate yourself more than the people hate you. but in my case I work for my universities call center, and all we care about is participation, and if they help out they'll be helping themselves because it helps our rankings, and with better rankings they can get better jobs. Yet even with all that, some people can be asses. I've had people yelling at me from the beginning of the conversation, to the point where I couldn't understand what they were saying, and they didn't understand what I was saying. It's unfortunate that some people don't realize that even if they don't want to donate I'd still like to talk to them. I love talking to people, and hearing their stories, my job isn't dependent on whether they donate or not, it's actually the opposite. Because in the end if people are happy they'll donate when they can, and that's all we care about. 

An update on my writing- absolutely nothing. I haven’t been writing since I got back. Hopefully in fall break, except I have a 300 person conference that I need to make happen right in the end of break, so maybe not. 

Depression and Home

I've known for quite some time now that I hate living in Jordan. I don't hate the country, in fact i'm fine with visiting for a couple of weeks a year. What I'm not fine with is living there. Today, after years of depression and being suicidal I discovered there's most definitely a link between being depressed and the place you live. Jordan made me depressed, and suicidal for 2 years, and now after more than a year of being out of it I'm depressed again. It was very surprising because I didn't I had a reason to be, but today I actually wanted to kill myself. Again this is very strange, because i've been doing pretty good, and there's nothing bad happening in my life. I am tired, and i've never actually found it easier or more pleasant to be alive than to be dead, but still, killing myself.. I mean come on, I'm becoming like those people that kill themselves just because they're bored. Later in the day though I discovered that I didnt want to kill myself, and in fact everytime I'm outside i'm happy, it's just being in room that's depressing. All that made me think about Jordan, and how for a while this summer sucked cuz I was staying in my old room, the same room I imagined killing myself a million ways, and I realized that outside that room I was fine, it was always the room.