A Wonderful World

I am finally done! Yet now that I am, I kind of miss it. The future seems a bit bleak for me for the next week or so. I need to work three jobs, and work on the conference for the next week, and I need to finish editing. Yet I'm exhausted, and my eyes are strained from the amount of time I've been looking at computer screens. 

Yet my problems seems so small compared to everything going on there. People in Syria are still killing each other, another embassy worker in Yemen was killed by Al-Qaida, and from what I hear Jordan's on the verge of riots erupting as well. 

What a wonderful world!

Fall Break

It's hard to believe that this is my 25th post. I would try to make it a special post to mark the occasion  but I don't have time. I have six tests this week, well 3 more now. I have 2 labs, and a photo shoot tomorrow( I  know right). And in less than 48 hours I will be done, and A term will be over. Then I'll work, and more work, adding the finishing touches to the conference, and I need to finish editing my first book. What a wonderful break! 

Yet despite all that I'm doing great. I'm thinking of joining a fraternity, waiting for my application to go abroad to go through, and to hear back from the company I interviewed with. Things can either get really good from here, or really bad.

DEAR FRIEND,

Though my life was dreadful at some point, it no longer is. I never forget that, and despite being depressed for 2 years and then suicidal for 2 more, I am no longer in that state of mind. Yet even so, despite my life being great, I doubt I will ever see living as better than dying. When you've wanted to die as long as I have it becomes an obsession, and even when you're indifferent about it, you still would welcome it.

Yet even so I am grateful for everything I have, for my family, friends, and everything else in my life. At one point I thought I had none of that, but now I do, and it has made me a happier person because of it. But the fact remains that I don't believe in happiness. I accept small moments of it, but to be happy forever is just beyond my imagination.

As you know I'm not the type of person that'll let anyone in, not completely, not even my closest friends know who I am. This blog is my way of letting go, and actually saying what's on my mind. I don't care if people read it, in fact I'd prefer they didn't. I know at times I might seem like I'm getting depressed again, but honestly the things on here are moments of weakness, and despite everything I will never go back to how I was 2 years ago.

As for the ex-best friend ordeal, if I terminate a friendship I let that person know. The person I was referring to in an earlier post is someone I should've stopped being friends with a long time ago, before we met. And I'm glad that's over with.

Honestly in the end I'm grateful for having a friend like you, that'll notice when something might be wrong, and ask about it. Not many have done so in the past, it was always unnoticed, and that only made things worse. So thank you!

Sincerely,

SA

ME

I really should be asleep right now. it's 2 AM, and I have to tests tomorrow/today. Yet I can't stop thinking. I needed someone this past summer, and they weren't there. now that person is coming here, and i'm an odd mix of happy, and sad all at the same time. Believe it or not this summer I wanted to become an atheist. I know it doesn't sound like me, because i'm a proud Muslim, and everyone knows that. I believe in everything in Islam, but my best friend, or ex best friend told me something about it, and it was one of those misunderstood versus, and for a moment my faith shattered. I guess it wasn't as strong as I though because a single thing pulled it all apart. I didn't know what to do, as usual, and as usual there was no one there to help me through it. It was the start of a terrible summer, and honestly I don't know how I got over it. 

Sometimes I wish I could drink and drain my sorrows away with a bottle of vodka. But I know that won't help, it'll waste my time, and i'll be an idiot for a while. I'll wake up with a headache worse than the one I usually wake up with, and it will simply cause me problems. I just wish there was a way to be myself I guess, just let everything go, and be me, but then again I don't know ME.

Perks

I went to see the perks of being a wallflower tonight, and i'm pleasantly surprised by it. I saw the trailer for it a few months ago when it first came out, and I wanted to see it. The thing is though; I want to see a lot of movies, so if it weren't for my friend insisting on watching it I probably would've waited until i have a break or something.

I wasn't really sure what to expect going in though, the trailer was very vague, and honestly Emma Watson was the only reason I wanted to watch the movie in the first place. The movie is mainly about an introvert freshman trying to deal with the difficulties of high school, and overcome his past all at the same time. Which from personal experience I can tell you is not easy. High school alone is hard enough, but if your past is haunting you then that needs to be taken care of.

I think the book and movie relate to everyone's lives, whether you had a rough time through high school or not, and for some of us it makes us envious that we didn't have friends like Sam (Emma Watson) and Patrick (Ezra Miller) as we were going through some of this stuff.

The movie made me think a lot about my own life. I didn't have a very conventional high school experience, but there were a lot of things in the movie that I could relate to, right down to the fact that he wants to be a writer. Unfortunately I understand a lot of what the character goes through in the movie, far more that I'd like to admit.

Overall it was a wonderful movie. Some things had to be cut from the book as my friend put it, but they needed it to appeal to everyone so it's understandable. I give it a 4 out of 5.

Different Corners of the World

Do you know what's the worst thing you can go through? Maybe not the worst because you can always imagine the impossible happened. but something extremely bad. Something that tears you apart more than you're already torn apart. The worst thing is if you're crying for help yet there's no on there to help, no one listens to your pleas, and you're all alone. I remember going through that. I remember accepting my depression and then wanting to kill myself, but right between those two I called for help. I used to tell everyone i wanted to die, I even told them I counted how high building are, and how fast cars are going to see if they'd actually kill me and not just leave me paralyzed  Yet no one listened, and I was alone, and before long it escalated and killing myself was the sweetest thing. 

I'm not bringing this up because i'm back to that, in fact I couldn't be happier (God I hope that's not true). But I was informed this morning that one of my sisters is talking to a friend of mine. I know that doesn't sound alarming, but they've never met, I've never introduced them, and they live a few thousand miles apart. My sister couldn't talk to anyone about her issues, so she looked to my friend all the way in Norway. She's depressed, like I'm sure at least half my sisters are. My parents are probably as well, but no one acknowledges any of it. And I fear that they'll suffer the same fate I did, and go so far down they never escape it. because even now, nearing happiness as I am, I see death as a sweeter delight that life. and I don't think I'll ever want to live more than to die.

I know this is my fault because I left, but honestly I would've made them more miserable by being there  I'm a terrible brother  and a terrible human being, and sometimes I think that if I died, or even faked my death they'd be better off. but I know that's not true, because love is a poison running through our hearts, and for whatever reason they love me, and in a weird sort of way I love my family. Yet we're all paralyzed by hopelessness and the different corners of the world life has put us in. I'll never be able to live with them again, and honestly I don't think i'll ever have anyone other than them. I will be alone forever, and forever never seems to end. 

Work Work Work

I had my interview this morning and it went rather well, despite that I practically forgot everything I know about the software they want me for. It was a pretty amazing company, and I'd love to work there, but we'll have to see what happens. I mean even if they offer me the position I still have to deal with the whole RA ordeal. I doubt they'd let me go that easily. But again, I'll have to wait and see.

I have so many things to do I can't even worry about that. I have a test this week, like four labs, and a million things to do for the conference. And the week after that I have five tests, a final, and a million more things to do for the conference. Then in the break, I have two jobs, a million things to finish for the conference, finish editing PARADOX, and plan all the events I want for B-term. So much for a break!