Switzerland

I took a single day off, just one, the second in over 2 months, and guess what the world nearly ended. Everything was falling apart. Every single one of my jobs was on the line, I was becoming a terrible RA, the budget for the conference made me want to shoot  myself, and honestly the only thing that was helping was eating ice cream. But then things turned around, and I realized that the world can end for all I care. That despite everything I am a wonderful RA, and if people don't want to hire me than it's their loss.

I also had my interview to go to Switzerland, I think it went great, but we'll see. There are so few spots, and I don't know if they're looking for someone with as much international experience as me. But again we'll see, but for now I'm gonna stay eating Ice Cream, and ignoring the little things that make our worlds fall apart.

OVER

I am officially done, the conference is over, and I can't move my feet. It was surprisingly a huge hit, I still need to go through the list of attendees and the finances to see if we're not bankrupt, but we did great for our first conference. The other main highlight of my day would be the fact that the person I was worried about, didn't even recognize me. Which makes me feel like crap since he was a huge part of my childhood, and he passed right by me, and didn't even say hi. I don't know if he's mad or something, but I deserve more than that. It's funny how sometimes someone could have a huge effect on you, and then not even remember you.

But for now I am done, and I get a day off, and then back to work, school, reimbursments, and everything else. In other words back to LIFE...

Untitled

They say that life gets better with the years. I suppose I can attest to that, yet there will always be this numbing feeling telling you otherwise. Why is it that every time things are going great we still don't see them as such? Is it our nature to find faults in everything we do?

Take this week for example. I get offered a job that I never even dreamt of getting, I have an amazing week in all my jobs, and for the first time in years I actually get to watch TV. Yet even so, my insomnia is back, and I have this feeling that everything is not alright. As if I've missed something terrible, and it will come back to haunt me. 

The conference is in less than two days, so hopefully it will go well. Then after that I get a day off, where I get to sleep in, and eat microwavable froze lasagna. Now that's a good weekend.

A Wonderful World

I am finally done! Yet now that I am, I kind of miss it. The future seems a bit bleak for me for the next week or so. I need to work three jobs, and work on the conference for the next week, and I need to finish editing. Yet I'm exhausted, and my eyes are strained from the amount of time I've been looking at computer screens. 

Yet my problems seems so small compared to everything going on there. People in Syria are still killing each other, another embassy worker in Yemen was killed by Al-Qaida, and from what I hear Jordan's on the verge of riots erupting as well. 

What a wonderful world!

Fall Break

It's hard to believe that this is my 25th post. I would try to make it a special post to mark the occasion  but I don't have time. I have six tests this week, well 3 more now. I have 2 labs, and a photo shoot tomorrow( I  know right). And in less than 48 hours I will be done, and A term will be over. Then I'll work, and more work, adding the finishing touches to the conference, and I need to finish editing my first book. What a wonderful break! 

Yet despite all that I'm doing great. I'm thinking of joining a fraternity, waiting for my application to go abroad to go through, and to hear back from the company I interviewed with. Things can either get really good from here, or really bad.

DEAR FRIEND,

Though my life was dreadful at some point, it no longer is. I never forget that, and despite being depressed for 2 years and then suicidal for 2 more, I am no longer in that state of mind. Yet even so, despite my life being great, I doubt I will ever see living as better than dying. When you've wanted to die as long as I have it becomes an obsession, and even when you're indifferent about it, you still would welcome it.

Yet even so I am grateful for everything I have, for my family, friends, and everything else in my life. At one point I thought I had none of that, but now I do, and it has made me a happier person because of it. But the fact remains that I don't believe in happiness. I accept small moments of it, but to be happy forever is just beyond my imagination.

As you know I'm not the type of person that'll let anyone in, not completely, not even my closest friends know who I am. This blog is my way of letting go, and actually saying what's on my mind. I don't care if people read it, in fact I'd prefer they didn't. I know at times I might seem like I'm getting depressed again, but honestly the things on here are moments of weakness, and despite everything I will never go back to how I was 2 years ago.

As for the ex-best friend ordeal, if I terminate a friendship I let that person know. The person I was referring to in an earlier post is someone I should've stopped being friends with a long time ago, before we met. And I'm glad that's over with.

Honestly in the end I'm grateful for having a friend like you, that'll notice when something might be wrong, and ask about it. Not many have done so in the past, it was always unnoticed, and that only made things worse. So thank you!

Sincerely,

SA

ME

I really should be asleep right now. it's 2 AM, and I have to tests tomorrow/today. Yet I can't stop thinking. I needed someone this past summer, and they weren't there. now that person is coming here, and i'm an odd mix of happy, and sad all at the same time. Believe it or not this summer I wanted to become an atheist. I know it doesn't sound like me, because i'm a proud Muslim, and everyone knows that. I believe in everything in Islam, but my best friend, or ex best friend told me something about it, and it was one of those misunderstood versus, and for a moment my faith shattered. I guess it wasn't as strong as I though because a single thing pulled it all apart. I didn't know what to do, as usual, and as usual there was no one there to help me through it. It was the start of a terrible summer, and honestly I don't know how I got over it. 

Sometimes I wish I could drink and drain my sorrows away with a bottle of vodka. But I know that won't help, it'll waste my time, and i'll be an idiot for a while. I'll wake up with a headache worse than the one I usually wake up with, and it will simply cause me problems. I just wish there was a way to be myself I guess, just let everything go, and be me, but then again I don't know ME.