Sandy

So I have an enormous headache- and we're being run over by a hurricane. Yet I don't really know what's worse. Honestly, before coming here I thought being in a hurricane is a lot more serious than we'er being right now. Maybe it's because we're only on the sidelines, but honestly all anyone cares about here is whether we have school tomorrow or not. We actually got today off, thank god, because I don't think we could have made it to class. I went out at 12 and things weren't too bad, but after my meeting ended, around 1:00 PM, things were getting serious. My hat nearly blew away, and I came pretty close to blowing away myself at times, and that wasn't even the worst of it.

I'm stuck in my building until this whole thing is over, and really all I want is for my head to stop pounding. 

Friends

I should be asleep, but instead I'm writing this, which is kind of pissing me off. I think I'm addicted to blocking, it's kind of like therapy for me. I need to get things off my chest, and this is the only way I know how.
I was thinking about the day I turned my life around. I didn't wake up and say that I'm turning my life around, coming out of depression and I don't want to kill myself anymore. It was a bit more dramatic though. It was right after my senior year(Sort of), and I went with a friend to visit the university we were both supposed to go to. I thought it was a bad idea for him to come to the US right away, and convinced him to transfer from a Jordanian University instead.

I of course had given up on life completely by then, but agreed to go to the same university for two years. Again I thought I'd be long dead by then. We had an entire plan in place, I'd join him when I officially graduated a few months later since I still needed to finish Biology and Physics  I'd get a sports scholarship or something, and a couple of years later we'd both transfer. Again I wasn't supposed to be alive when all this happened, I figured he'd do it after I died to honor our plans.

However on that day, everything changed. For some reason they didn't have the athletic Scholarship, or it didn't count for engineering majors, which what I wanted. Or I think I just convinced myself I wanted engineering because it made the most money, but at the same time I was going to be dead before I graduated.

The news didn't affect me much, but after a silent two hour ride back to the capital, he finally spoke up. He said everything on his mind, and it was everything I blamed for my terrible life. Back then he was my only friend, or the only person I considered a friend. He was the person I talked to back then to get things off my chest, because he was going through almost the same things. But that day in that crappy bus station he said it was all my fault  that I didn't get that good grades, that I wasn't published, everything. I don't even remember what he said, I just remember the overwhelming feeling that kind of took over. When you tell a suicidal person that all their reasons for being suicidal are their faults, it usually doesn't end well.

Yet somehow for me it did. Before that I was supposed to die, but after that there was this slight, and by slight I mean a one in a million chance, that I won't die. That I'll like till I'm like 25, and I have to go to college. So that night I started researching every university I can look up online, in every possible country. I researched SAT's, TOEFL, Visas, everything I need to leave that place. Because that one in a million chance was worth leaving for.

After that I told myself that I want the best life possible, until I can finally die.

People don't understand why I hate Jordan, and they think I'm one of those people that will want to kill themselves for nothing, but in the few months after that day I'd live with a person I hate, seclude myself from the world and speak to no one for months, freeze my ass off because I couldn't afford heating, be homeless at one point, starve because I had no money to buy food. There were moments where I'd pray that I could find 25 cents so I can buy a bag of chips or something. I'd pray that my uncle would invite me for dinner because I'd stay days without food.

But then it was over. All that work paid off, and a better life was on the horizon.

I don't know if I ever forgave my friend for what he did, but at the same time I'm grateful because he forced me to turn my life around. He'd go on to make my life a living hell in the months after that, literally to the point where instead of searching for colleges I'd search for mental institutes because I wanted to be in one. I gave up on friends because of him, and my thoughts will probably never change. But that's a story for another day.

For now goodnight everyone!

The power of the mind

They say our brains are the most remarkable parts of our bodies, not only do we think with them, but they hold the key to our sanity. I saw a Facebook post a few days ago saying the same thing, and then it says but which part of the body is telling you this. Though it's true our brains are telling us just how awesome they are, they are awesome in their own right.

Take today for example. I woke up feeling like crap, despite sleeping 10 hours(which is a miracle in the school I go to), I forgot two mandatory meetings, and pretty much forced myself to stay awake in all of my classes. I didn't really understand it, and then I fell asleep at like 6 PM  for absolutely no reason. I woke up a couple of hours later, and I realized that I'm being a moron. Yes I had a rough A-term, I had training even before that, and this break was literally hell, but there was no reason for me to be tired, or stressed about anything. Everything is going great, and the fact that my body was acting out by being exhausted is not acceptable. So I got up, and started doing work.

There's probably a reason my brain and body were ganging up against me, telling me I need a break, but I can't really afford one right now.

On another note, my research paper was finally published(which is pretty awesome), and I'm almost done all the paperwork for my Co-op. Here's to a new, better, and hopefully less tiring term, but if that doesn't happen, then I'll deal with it, like I've dealt with everything else, by convincing myself it's fine and getting over it. 

Switzerland

I took a single day off, just one, the second in over 2 months, and guess what the world nearly ended. Everything was falling apart. Every single one of my jobs was on the line, I was becoming a terrible RA, the budget for the conference made me want to shoot  myself, and honestly the only thing that was helping was eating ice cream. But then things turned around, and I realized that the world can end for all I care. That despite everything I am a wonderful RA, and if people don't want to hire me than it's their loss.

I also had my interview to go to Switzerland, I think it went great, but we'll see. There are so few spots, and I don't know if they're looking for someone with as much international experience as me. But again we'll see, but for now I'm gonna stay eating Ice Cream, and ignoring the little things that make our worlds fall apart.

OVER

I am officially done, the conference is over, and I can't move my feet. It was surprisingly a huge hit, I still need to go through the list of attendees and the finances to see if we're not bankrupt, but we did great for our first conference. The other main highlight of my day would be the fact that the person I was worried about, didn't even recognize me. Which makes me feel like crap since he was a huge part of my childhood, and he passed right by me, and didn't even say hi. I don't know if he's mad or something, but I deserve more than that. It's funny how sometimes someone could have a huge effect on you, and then not even remember you.

But for now I am done, and I get a day off, and then back to work, school, reimbursments, and everything else. In other words back to LIFE...

Untitled

They say that life gets better with the years. I suppose I can attest to that, yet there will always be this numbing feeling telling you otherwise. Why is it that every time things are going great we still don't see them as such? Is it our nature to find faults in everything we do?

Take this week for example. I get offered a job that I never even dreamt of getting, I have an amazing week in all my jobs, and for the first time in years I actually get to watch TV. Yet even so, my insomnia is back, and I have this feeling that everything is not alright. As if I've missed something terrible, and it will come back to haunt me. 

The conference is in less than two days, so hopefully it will go well. Then after that I get a day off, where I get to sleep in, and eat microwavable froze lasagna. Now that's a good weekend.

A Wonderful World

I am finally done! Yet now that I am, I kind of miss it. The future seems a bit bleak for me for the next week or so. I need to work three jobs, and work on the conference for the next week, and I need to finish editing. Yet I'm exhausted, and my eyes are strained from the amount of time I've been looking at computer screens. 

Yet my problems seems so small compared to everything going on there. People in Syria are still killing each other, another embassy worker in Yemen was killed by Al-Qaida, and from what I hear Jordan's on the verge of riots erupting as well. 

What a wonderful world!