Egypt

Sometimes I wonder if this world will ever be at peace, with humans living on it. I know it doesn't seem plausible, but one can surely hope. I probably don't have the right to judge anyone, but people in the middle east make it so easy sometimes.

There have been protests for a few weeks in Egypt, and honestly I'm really tired of people protesting, each idiot thinking they're right, and wanting things to go their way. I'm not going to say I told everyone this will happen, although I did, but it needs to stop. Of course I don't really expect it to, I don't expect anything from Arabs anymore, but I think everyone is tired of it. But it is expected, because in the end if you find out that YOU can overthrow a government, why the hell wouldn't you overthrow every government, after all it's only human nature.

There will always be something wrong with the government, that's why they're called the government. It doesn't mean you have to go on the freaking streets and start killing people, what is wrong with you? Shame on you all!

I'm Done!

I'm Done!! Finally!!

Okay I know I said I finished my novel this past summer on July 11th to be exact, and I did, but that was a bullshit ending, and there was still some editing that needs to be done, but today as of 5:17 AM this wonderful Sunday morning I am officially and completely finished. I fixed up my ending, and the story, and the best thing of all is that I got it to less than 100k words, granted it's only shorted by 13 words, but still...
Of course there will be more editing to be done, when I find some Beta-readers, the two people I told can read it kind of stopped, I don't know if they thought it was that bad or if they were actually busy, but I don't care, because even if it sucks I like it. For the first time since I started writing which was exactly seven years ago, I'm proud of one of my novels. This is a book I'd want to read, and if no one else wants to then that's their loss. All I've ever wanted was to create a novel I can reread, because I've never reread a book, because I get too bored, but this is the first one of my books that I reread without changing it completely.

Of course these past couple of weeks sucked, I discovered I'm depressed again, practically failing all my classes, and everything sucks, but I'm done writing my first book, so fuck you world!

Oh, and happy thanksgiving!

Memories

I was reading a couple of my earlier posts earlier today, and I can't believe that I wrote this stuff. Not that it's wonderful, but it's so different than how I feel at the moment. I remember feeling the way I did as I wrote the posts, but at the same time I barely remember that person now.

Something I realized while I was depressed is the fact that I'd do things, I just wouldn't really remember them. Everything would blur together, and days felt like years, and years were a single memory.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this anymore. I refuse to be depressed, yet I'm tired, and all the symptoms are showing up again. I'm being ripped away from my life, and I don't know what to do.

Better days

There's something about life and relationships that terrifies me. I don't know what it is, but I need to admit to myself first and foremost that I'm terrified. It might be the fact that I've always wanted to stand out, to matter, I suppose, and if I were like everyone else I'd be irrelevant. Which is really funny because I've wanted to be irrelevant for so long, because I didn't want my family to be hurt when I finally died, or killed myself. I don't why but I feel like crap today.

Everyone says you don't know what you have until it's gone. But no one ever says you don't know how bad you have it until you see something better. This past weekend I went to a conference, and I literally had the time of my life. It was amazing, concerts and comedy shows pretty much all day, it was amazing. It made me realize that this place isn't as perfect as I think it is.

I'll be up all night doing homework, and drowning myself in my sorrows, and then I'll wake up and it'll be a better day, or maybe in a week it'll be a better week... or someday it will be. All I know is that dying isn't the best thing for me anymore, I mean why rush to hell right?

Sandy

So I have an enormous headache- and we're being run over by a hurricane. Yet I don't really know what's worse. Honestly, before coming here I thought being in a hurricane is a lot more serious than we'er being right now. Maybe it's because we're only on the sidelines, but honestly all anyone cares about here is whether we have school tomorrow or not. We actually got today off, thank god, because I don't think we could have made it to class. I went out at 12 and things weren't too bad, but after my meeting ended, around 1:00 PM, things were getting serious. My hat nearly blew away, and I came pretty close to blowing away myself at times, and that wasn't even the worst of it.

I'm stuck in my building until this whole thing is over, and really all I want is for my head to stop pounding. 

Friends

I should be asleep, but instead I'm writing this, which is kind of pissing me off. I think I'm addicted to blocking, it's kind of like therapy for me. I need to get things off my chest, and this is the only way I know how.
I was thinking about the day I turned my life around. I didn't wake up and say that I'm turning my life around, coming out of depression and I don't want to kill myself anymore. It was a bit more dramatic though. It was right after my senior year(Sort of), and I went with a friend to visit the university we were both supposed to go to. I thought it was a bad idea for him to come to the US right away, and convinced him to transfer from a Jordanian University instead.

I of course had given up on life completely by then, but agreed to go to the same university for two years. Again I thought I'd be long dead by then. We had an entire plan in place, I'd join him when I officially graduated a few months later since I still needed to finish Biology and Physics  I'd get a sports scholarship or something, and a couple of years later we'd both transfer. Again I wasn't supposed to be alive when all this happened, I figured he'd do it after I died to honor our plans.

However on that day, everything changed. For some reason they didn't have the athletic Scholarship, or it didn't count for engineering majors, which what I wanted. Or I think I just convinced myself I wanted engineering because it made the most money, but at the same time I was going to be dead before I graduated.

The news didn't affect me much, but after a silent two hour ride back to the capital, he finally spoke up. He said everything on his mind, and it was everything I blamed for my terrible life. Back then he was my only friend, or the only person I considered a friend. He was the person I talked to back then to get things off my chest, because he was going through almost the same things. But that day in that crappy bus station he said it was all my fault  that I didn't get that good grades, that I wasn't published, everything. I don't even remember what he said, I just remember the overwhelming feeling that kind of took over. When you tell a suicidal person that all their reasons for being suicidal are their faults, it usually doesn't end well.

Yet somehow for me it did. Before that I was supposed to die, but after that there was this slight, and by slight I mean a one in a million chance, that I won't die. That I'll like till I'm like 25, and I have to go to college. So that night I started researching every university I can look up online, in every possible country. I researched SAT's, TOEFL, Visas, everything I need to leave that place. Because that one in a million chance was worth leaving for.

After that I told myself that I want the best life possible, until I can finally die.

People don't understand why I hate Jordan, and they think I'm one of those people that will want to kill themselves for nothing, but in the few months after that day I'd live with a person I hate, seclude myself from the world and speak to no one for months, freeze my ass off because I couldn't afford heating, be homeless at one point, starve because I had no money to buy food. There were moments where I'd pray that I could find 25 cents so I can buy a bag of chips or something. I'd pray that my uncle would invite me for dinner because I'd stay days without food.

But then it was over. All that work paid off, and a better life was on the horizon.

I don't know if I ever forgave my friend for what he did, but at the same time I'm grateful because he forced me to turn my life around. He'd go on to make my life a living hell in the months after that, literally to the point where instead of searching for colleges I'd search for mental institutes because I wanted to be in one. I gave up on friends because of him, and my thoughts will probably never change. But that's a story for another day.

For now goodnight everyone!

The power of the mind

They say our brains are the most remarkable parts of our bodies, not only do we think with them, but they hold the key to our sanity. I saw a Facebook post a few days ago saying the same thing, and then it says but which part of the body is telling you this. Though it's true our brains are telling us just how awesome they are, they are awesome in their own right.

Take today for example. I woke up feeling like crap, despite sleeping 10 hours(which is a miracle in the school I go to), I forgot two mandatory meetings, and pretty much forced myself to stay awake in all of my classes. I didn't really understand it, and then I fell asleep at like 6 PM  for absolutely no reason. I woke up a couple of hours later, and I realized that I'm being a moron. Yes I had a rough A-term, I had training even before that, and this break was literally hell, but there was no reason for me to be tired, or stressed about anything. Everything is going great, and the fact that my body was acting out by being exhausted is not acceptable. So I got up, and started doing work.

There's probably a reason my brain and body were ganging up against me, telling me I need a break, but I can't really afford one right now.

On another note, my research paper was finally published(which is pretty awesome), and I'm almost done all the paperwork for my Co-op. Here's to a new, better, and hopefully less tiring term, but if that doesn't happen, then I'll deal with it, like I've dealt with everything else, by convincing myself it's fine and getting over it.