THE APOLOGY

I'm not really into the whole blogging thing anymore, especially since no one reads this stuff, but I can't help myself. I just got an apology from someone. Now I know that's not a big deal, people apologize all the time, and mostly never mean it. But this was THE APOLOGY. Ok that doesn't mean anything without an explanation. So I am the way I am because one of my best friends, they made me who I am, although not purposely and they're nothing like me. But they made me as hard as I am, as emotionless, and they're great because they made me this person. Regardless of that they put me through a lot of shit, and obviously I wasn't who I am now so it affected me. Over the years, well three to be exact I let that person go. We're still in contact, but we're not friends, at least not from my end, and well today that person came and apologized. Of course I'm beyond the point of caring, but it was still strange, and kind of nice to have people admit that everything you've ever said was right. If only that has helped me in life, now just waiting on a few more people to apologize sincerely.

Happiness

I was recently told by my therapist that things are going to get worse, a lot worse. He doesn't usually make predictions, but this time at the end of our meeting he gave me a brochure for the suicide prevention hotline. This was the first time he'd mentioned it, despite the fact that I've been seeing him for over a year now, and even when I talked about my depression or the suicide days as I like to call them, he never mentioned it.

A normal person would be scared, terrified even, how bad does he expect it to get? But I wasn't scared, no I smiles, I might've even laughed, because it was ridiculous. I've gone through hell, I've been homeless, starved, went through four years of depression, two of being suicidal, and I'm haunted by my past, yet the worst is yet to come?!
 
I laughed because... well because it's true as ridiculous as it sounds. My brain protected me from everything bad, maybe not in the best of ways, but blocking things out is what kept me alive. Yet my brain, because of all that, doesn't know how to react to good things. Yes, that's my problem, things are going good, and things have been so bad that I'm having withdrawal symptoms. So getting close to happiness might be the thing that kills me after all. It's actually really funny because that means there is no hope, for anyone. The thing is though it's going to get so bad, worse than before, but if I get through it, and allow myself to be happy everything will be fine. I won't be screwed up, well I'll always be screwed up, but I'll be happy. The word is so foreign to my tongue that I almost don't know it's meaning.
 
The problem is do I want to let go of ME, of all the things that hurt me, or all my misery and guilt, of all my pain? But then I wouldn't be me, I'd be like everyone else, trusting, and stuff. I don't think I want that, but then I'll have no excuse, because then I'd have chosen misery over happiness.

 

An Unexpected Journey, The Hobbit

I commented about the Hobbit being split into three films a few months ago, and like everyone else, I was skeptical. But I was wrong, the Hobbit was spectacular. I saw it last night at a sold out midnight showing, and by the end everyone was clapping. Even though the movie was almost three hours long, and there were officers everywhere, the movie was all anyone can look at.

The Hobbit was phenomenal. Not a lot of people, if any, can pull off what Peter Jackson pulls off in this movie.

I'm a fan of the book, sort of, I liked the story, but I felt like all the awesome parts were not included in the book because the main character wasn't in them. In this movie, and I'm guessing in the next two as well, everything is included. The fall of the dwarves, the Necromancer, everything is included and that blew me away.

The 48 FPS(frames per second) instead of the normal 24 FPS was a little bit hard to get used to, but even when it bothered me I was grateful for it. The image were clearer and sharper, and made the experience even more remarkable than it'd have been on the normal 24FPS.
I wont give too much away, all I can say is that the movie was all I thought it would be, and at times a lot more than anything I could've expected.

Egypt

Sometimes I wonder if this world will ever be at peace, with humans living on it. I know it doesn't seem plausible, but one can surely hope. I probably don't have the right to judge anyone, but people in the middle east make it so easy sometimes.

There have been protests for a few weeks in Egypt, and honestly I'm really tired of people protesting, each idiot thinking they're right, and wanting things to go their way. I'm not going to say I told everyone this will happen, although I did, but it needs to stop. Of course I don't really expect it to, I don't expect anything from Arabs anymore, but I think everyone is tired of it. But it is expected, because in the end if you find out that YOU can overthrow a government, why the hell wouldn't you overthrow every government, after all it's only human nature.

There will always be something wrong with the government, that's why they're called the government. It doesn't mean you have to go on the freaking streets and start killing people, what is wrong with you? Shame on you all!

I'm Done!

I'm Done!! Finally!!

Okay I know I said I finished my novel this past summer on July 11th to be exact, and I did, but that was a bullshit ending, and there was still some editing that needs to be done, but today as of 5:17 AM this wonderful Sunday morning I am officially and completely finished. I fixed up my ending, and the story, and the best thing of all is that I got it to less than 100k words, granted it's only shorted by 13 words, but still...
Of course there will be more editing to be done, when I find some Beta-readers, the two people I told can read it kind of stopped, I don't know if they thought it was that bad or if they were actually busy, but I don't care, because even if it sucks I like it. For the first time since I started writing which was exactly seven years ago, I'm proud of one of my novels. This is a book I'd want to read, and if no one else wants to then that's their loss. All I've ever wanted was to create a novel I can reread, because I've never reread a book, because I get too bored, but this is the first one of my books that I reread without changing it completely.

Of course these past couple of weeks sucked, I discovered I'm depressed again, practically failing all my classes, and everything sucks, but I'm done writing my first book, so fuck you world!

Oh, and happy thanksgiving!

Memories

I was reading a couple of my earlier posts earlier today, and I can't believe that I wrote this stuff. Not that it's wonderful, but it's so different than how I feel at the moment. I remember feeling the way I did as I wrote the posts, but at the same time I barely remember that person now.

Something I realized while I was depressed is the fact that I'd do things, I just wouldn't really remember them. Everything would blur together, and days felt like years, and years were a single memory.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this anymore. I refuse to be depressed, yet I'm tired, and all the symptoms are showing up again. I'm being ripped away from my life, and I don't know what to do.

Better days

There's something about life and relationships that terrifies me. I don't know what it is, but I need to admit to myself first and foremost that I'm terrified. It might be the fact that I've always wanted to stand out, to matter, I suppose, and if I were like everyone else I'd be irrelevant. Which is really funny because I've wanted to be irrelevant for so long, because I didn't want my family to be hurt when I finally died, or killed myself. I don't why but I feel like crap today.

Everyone says you don't know what you have until it's gone. But no one ever says you don't know how bad you have it until you see something better. This past weekend I went to a conference, and I literally had the time of my life. It was amazing, concerts and comedy shows pretty much all day, it was amazing. It made me realize that this place isn't as perfect as I think it is.

I'll be up all night doing homework, and drowning myself in my sorrows, and then I'll wake up and it'll be a better day, or maybe in a week it'll be a better week... or someday it will be. All I know is that dying isn't the best thing for me anymore, I mean why rush to hell right?