Crumbling



Image courtesy of zazzle.com

I’ve been in a really sour mood these past couple of days, and with good reason. Not only am I dealing with something as traumatic as it gets, I’m doing it alone, as I try to survive my everyday life. It’s really bad, to the point where I can’t even sleep on my own bed anymore, or sleep at all really. I even texted a friend telling her I’m not fine, which if you knew me you’d know I’d never admit that.

But just because things are crap, again with good reason, doesn’t mean I should shut down like I did yesterday and zone out of life.  Fortunately the text didn’t get sent, because although my phone hates me it also loves me from time to time.

We will always have bad days, there will always be days when your world comes crumbling down. The trick isn’t to stop it from falling apart, hell I wish that was possible but it will always crumble. The trick is to get up from under the rubble; you might have bruises, scars, even broken bones, you may be changed forever, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You need to accept that your world crumbled, analyze why, and learn how to stop it from crumbling for the same reasons again. I know I’m making it sound simple, and you’re probably shaking your head reading this. And you’re right, it’s not easy, I’ve dealt with depression, being suicidal, almost going insane, and if I told you any of it, even before it became so bad I couldn’t deal with it anymore, then I’d be lying.

So how do you get back up? The first thing you need to do, well you need to NOT BLOCK it out. I’m guilty of doing the exact opposite of that for years. I blocked everything out, and I mean everything and that might feel great for a while, kind of like going and getting drunk and forgetting everything for a while. All that does is leave you hung-over in the morning and realizing that you’ve wasted an entire night ignoring a problem that couldn’t be ignored. IT’s the same way when your brain blocks things out for you, the only difference is, when you finally realize that you’ve been ignoring something you should’ve dealt with a long time ago you won’t remember what you need to from it. Because our brains don’t always give us back what they take, and then you’re stuck with the after effect of the issue, without actually knowing everything about the issue, which will leave you confused and worse off than you were when this whole thing started.

The second thing is to either get a foundation or have it help you get up. Like every good building you need a foundation, so the same people or resources that were keeping your world in place are the ones that can help you raise it back up. Of course these people will change, and after falling you might realize that one of the corners was weaker than the others, and instead of carrying you up that person, or that thing, was actually pushing you down.

Everyone says you should forgive but never forget, I say some people don’t deserve to be forgiven. That’s step three. If forgiveness works for you then by all means do it, but if you’re like me and forgiving people does nothing for you then don’t. The truth is you don’t have to, they did something wrong, they need to earn that forgiveness, and if they don’t even try then they don’t deserve it. But they also don’t deserve you to waste time on them, to be in your life, or even worse you loving them. This is why you can’t forget, because if you do then you’re back in the same situation and even with a stronger foundation you’re world will crumble back down.

Last but not least let it go. And I don’t mean forgive them and move on, I actually mean let them go. I’m talking about problems (which are sometimes people). Acknowledge the problem happened, analyze why, see if you can fix it, if you can then fix it and move on, and if you can’t then you deserve better than wasting your time on a problem that can’t be fixed. For those problems get help, and if that help isn’t good enough then you can walk away, never forgetting but always having it there so you don’t fall into that trap again and move on with your life to the point where that problem becomes so small it’s not worth thinking of anymore.

THE APOLOGY

I'm not really into the whole blogging thing anymore, especially since no one reads this stuff, but I can't help myself. I just got an apology from someone. Now I know that's not a big deal, people apologize all the time, and mostly never mean it. But this was THE APOLOGY. Ok that doesn't mean anything without an explanation. So I am the way I am because one of my best friends, they made me who I am, although not purposely and they're nothing like me. But they made me as hard as I am, as emotionless, and they're great because they made me this person. Regardless of that they put me through a lot of shit, and obviously I wasn't who I am now so it affected me. Over the years, well three to be exact I let that person go. We're still in contact, but we're not friends, at least not from my end, and well today that person came and apologized. Of course I'm beyond the point of caring, but it was still strange, and kind of nice to have people admit that everything you've ever said was right. If only that has helped me in life, now just waiting on a few more people to apologize sincerely.

Happiness

I was recently told by my therapist that things are going to get worse, a lot worse. He doesn't usually make predictions, but this time at the end of our meeting he gave me a brochure for the suicide prevention hotline. This was the first time he'd mentioned it, despite the fact that I've been seeing him for over a year now, and even when I talked about my depression or the suicide days as I like to call them, he never mentioned it.

A normal person would be scared, terrified even, how bad does he expect it to get? But I wasn't scared, no I smiles, I might've even laughed, because it was ridiculous. I've gone through hell, I've been homeless, starved, went through four years of depression, two of being suicidal, and I'm haunted by my past, yet the worst is yet to come?!
 
I laughed because... well because it's true as ridiculous as it sounds. My brain protected me from everything bad, maybe not in the best of ways, but blocking things out is what kept me alive. Yet my brain, because of all that, doesn't know how to react to good things. Yes, that's my problem, things are going good, and things have been so bad that I'm having withdrawal symptoms. So getting close to happiness might be the thing that kills me after all. It's actually really funny because that means there is no hope, for anyone. The thing is though it's going to get so bad, worse than before, but if I get through it, and allow myself to be happy everything will be fine. I won't be screwed up, well I'll always be screwed up, but I'll be happy. The word is so foreign to my tongue that I almost don't know it's meaning.
 
The problem is do I want to let go of ME, of all the things that hurt me, or all my misery and guilt, of all my pain? But then I wouldn't be me, I'd be like everyone else, trusting, and stuff. I don't think I want that, but then I'll have no excuse, because then I'd have chosen misery over happiness.

 

An Unexpected Journey, The Hobbit

I commented about the Hobbit being split into three films a few months ago, and like everyone else, I was skeptical. But I was wrong, the Hobbit was spectacular. I saw it last night at a sold out midnight showing, and by the end everyone was clapping. Even though the movie was almost three hours long, and there were officers everywhere, the movie was all anyone can look at.

The Hobbit was phenomenal. Not a lot of people, if any, can pull off what Peter Jackson pulls off in this movie.

I'm a fan of the book, sort of, I liked the story, but I felt like all the awesome parts were not included in the book because the main character wasn't in them. In this movie, and I'm guessing in the next two as well, everything is included. The fall of the dwarves, the Necromancer, everything is included and that blew me away.

The 48 FPS(frames per second) instead of the normal 24 FPS was a little bit hard to get used to, but even when it bothered me I was grateful for it. The image were clearer and sharper, and made the experience even more remarkable than it'd have been on the normal 24FPS.
I wont give too much away, all I can say is that the movie was all I thought it would be, and at times a lot more than anything I could've expected.

Egypt

Sometimes I wonder if this world will ever be at peace, with humans living on it. I know it doesn't seem plausible, but one can surely hope. I probably don't have the right to judge anyone, but people in the middle east make it so easy sometimes.

There have been protests for a few weeks in Egypt, and honestly I'm really tired of people protesting, each idiot thinking they're right, and wanting things to go their way. I'm not going to say I told everyone this will happen, although I did, but it needs to stop. Of course I don't really expect it to, I don't expect anything from Arabs anymore, but I think everyone is tired of it. But it is expected, because in the end if you find out that YOU can overthrow a government, why the hell wouldn't you overthrow every government, after all it's only human nature.

There will always be something wrong with the government, that's why they're called the government. It doesn't mean you have to go on the freaking streets and start killing people, what is wrong with you? Shame on you all!

I'm Done!

I'm Done!! Finally!!

Okay I know I said I finished my novel this past summer on July 11th to be exact, and I did, but that was a bullshit ending, and there was still some editing that needs to be done, but today as of 5:17 AM this wonderful Sunday morning I am officially and completely finished. I fixed up my ending, and the story, and the best thing of all is that I got it to less than 100k words, granted it's only shorted by 13 words, but still...
Of course there will be more editing to be done, when I find some Beta-readers, the two people I told can read it kind of stopped, I don't know if they thought it was that bad or if they were actually busy, but I don't care, because even if it sucks I like it. For the first time since I started writing which was exactly seven years ago, I'm proud of one of my novels. This is a book I'd want to read, and if no one else wants to then that's their loss. All I've ever wanted was to create a novel I can reread, because I've never reread a book, because I get too bored, but this is the first one of my books that I reread without changing it completely.

Of course these past couple of weeks sucked, I discovered I'm depressed again, practically failing all my classes, and everything sucks, but I'm done writing my first book, so fuck you world!

Oh, and happy thanksgiving!

Memories

I was reading a couple of my earlier posts earlier today, and I can't believe that I wrote this stuff. Not that it's wonderful, but it's so different than how I feel at the moment. I remember feeling the way I did as I wrote the posts, but at the same time I barely remember that person now.

Something I realized while I was depressed is the fact that I'd do things, I just wouldn't really remember them. Everything would blur together, and days felt like years, and years were a single memory.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this anymore. I refuse to be depressed, yet I'm tired, and all the symptoms are showing up again. I'm being ripped away from my life, and I don't know what to do.