The World we live in Today!

I don’t know if you heard anything about the things going on in Egypt, it’s not getting much coverage but a lot is going on. Just last night another 100 supporters of Mursi, the overthrown president or Egypt, were killed just after dawn. The government continues to claim that they did not fire any weapons, just tear gas, but in every report I’ve read they said that they’re reporters said there were gun wounds to the head and chest. It got me thinking, what kind of world are we living in nowadays? A world where a hundred people can die for protesting, and pretty much no one hears about it, and the people responsible deny doing it. I wonder how bad the people going through it must feel, they’re dying, but no one hears about it and the ones that do are told it’s a lie. It’s a very disturbing thought. Imagine if no one believed the holocaust actually happened. What if everyone thought it was a lie? See it’s not a pleasant thought, even if you weren’t in the holocaust or knew anyone in it.

It’s the same in Syria, thousands have died already, and no one does anything about it. Everyone cares about themselves, and if helping doesn’t help them they won’t do it.

I recently read an interview for the guy who wrote man of steel and he said writing a sequel will be difficult because superman is a superhero for the world and not just a specific area. So he asked, what would superman do with everything going on in the world, with Syria, and Egypt, and the Palestine/Israel situation? I wonder if he’d do anything. After all there are lots of people out there who can do something, but they usually don’t.

 

RIP



Like many Americans’ I am saddened by the news of George Zimmerman’s acquittal over the murder of Trayvon martin. It was truly a sad day, and it remains a sad day as everyone comes to the same conclusion that many of us have known for years, there is no equality, not just in America but in the world.

Photo courtesy of
AFP/Scott Olson

Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like in the time of the civil war, or before that right when slavery started, or even in the time of Martin Luther king Jr. I wonder if the white people I know would be the same people enslaving people, or would they stand against their own. Saying their own in itself is a problem, we’re all people regardless of color. Regardless, I’m curious.

Then I remember Rodney King was less than twenty years ago, and now with Trayvon we’re back in the same place. Perhaps it’s not as bad, and someone might be angered by my comparison, but any kind of racial injustice, no matter how small, is still too much.

 I remember all the other things people are fighting for, like gay marriage, or any kind of equality and I’m reminded that those people are still out there. They’re not necessarily bad, but there are hundreds of millions of people that will do things just because that’s how it’s always been done. They don’t question it, and the injustice continues. 

I’m sure there are a lot of people like me who simply don’t understand why we’re fighting over these silly matters that are really none of our busy. Trayvon shouldn’t have died to show us a problem we have, and people shouldn’t fight for the right to be married, we shouldn’t have these issues to begin with.

RIP Trayvon  and everyone who’s lost their lives over the past few hundred years fighting for their freedom.

Expectations

I’m in Jordan. I don’t know how to make it any more dramatic than that. I have been for the past five days. And I’m clearly still alive. In fact it’s a lot better than I expected it to be. One breakdown in five days, that’s a real accomplishment. Someone should give me a medal. It’s really not too bad. My parents agreed to let me go to Switzerland, well my mom said yes, but dad said no, and since my dad has the money it was a no. But then I offered to get a fifth job and he relented and said fine, and not to get a fifth job since im already working 40 hours on a normal week during school. I’m excited, sort of. I imagined I’d be, but I’m not really, and I don’t really know why, ‘

Lesson learned: Sometimes things work out, but are overshadowed by you thinking they’re not going to work, s when they do we’re still held up on them not working out. Our expectations are raised too high and the real thing can no longer compete. In other words lower your expectations.

Lesson#2: Breaks are good, even if they’re in Jordan!

Now I’m not saying Switzerland won’t be awesome. /I just don’t think I deserve it, and it seems like a very long way off. It’s the first thing I’ve wanted for myself in years, and even though it’ great I get this one thing, it’s still depressing thinking that over the past 10 or so years I haven’t wanted a thing.

Change

cxjourney.blogspot.com -

I was reading one of my previous posts on here and wow, it’s depressing. The whole blog kind of is. It matches my mood since I started the blog almost a year ago. But still, I don’t want to be ranting about how depressing my life is all the time. Now I’m ranting about how depressing the blog about my depressing life is. I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

I’m going to try something new with every post I write about my life, no matter how depressing the post is, or how bad I’m feeling at the time I’ll link it to a life lesson or some other meaningful thing. For example if I’m having a shitty day at work I can write more about the effect of mental health issues in the workplace, or if I see my therapist and I want to write about how screwed up I am because I see a shrink I’ll go into some detail about what worked for me and what didn’t during our session.

I’m hoping that if someone reads the post and is depressed but isn’t getting the help they need they’ll be able to read it and possibly learn from my experiences.

I probably should’ve been doing this all along, but it’s never too late for change, and I love change!  

Caring for the Dead

I haven’t blogged in a while, I guess that’s because things have been crazy. That’s right, crazy, and I’m not kidding. There’s a song by Matchbox 20 called Unwell. It describes the way I feel better than I ever could, except for one major difference, I’m not only unwell I’m actually going crazy.

I’m at work, staring at a computer screen for hours every day, and most days I don’t do any work, that’s how dysfunctional I’ve become. There’s something about emotions that make us dysfunctional, yet despite all that I don’t want to turn off my emotions. Why? No one knows, least of all me, but I think it has to do with the fact that I’m sick and tired of living an emotionless life, in other words not living at all, when I could be dead. It’s not that death is appealing, no, not even close, and knowing me I’ll probably end up in hell, which for some reason doesn’t sound too bad at this point. It’s just that life isn’t appealing, I don’t see a point to it, and no matter what you your life will not have a meaning, and if it does then it’s an irrelevant meaning because let’s face it no one cares, and nothing really matters, so why are we all alive?

Good question, yet even with nothing holding me back, nothing at all I’ve gotten rid of what prevented me the last two times I wanted to kill myself, I still don’t really want to take the leap(literally) and end my life. All I know is that I’m very depressed, and I can’t wait to become suicidal. It’s pretty much all I look forward to in life nowadays because I know I can actually end it this time. Besides the happiness you feel at that moment is the only happiness I’ve ever experienced and I miss it.

I have a list of people I should be talking to about this, but I’ve crossed all of them out. They either don’t care, don’t have time, will break apart if I told them, will not care again because that’s the most popular one, or I just don’t want to talk to them right now.

I don’t like this whole not being able to function thing, but the good news is July 2^nd it might be over, or maybe I’ll extend it till the 28^th. Endings and beginnings should always be on the same day.

I wish I could leave without causing all the heartbreak I will, my family will fall apart, and everyone at school will to. It’s kind of sad, all those people will care after I’m dead yet no one cares when you’re alive.

A Broken Boston

Highway on Fire

On my way back home yesterday a portion of the 495 was on fire. The middle of the highway was literally on fire. Cars moved by slowly, smoke rushed into every single car and we drove away, as if nothing was wrong.

That’s the state Massachusetts is in right now.

I remember thinking what is happening to Massachusetts. This morning I woke up at 6 AM, all the radio stations could talk about was the death of one of the bombers and the escape of his brothers (don’t ask me how someone can escape once you found them). Bombs were apparently going off in certain places, the cops were triggering bombs to make sure the area was secure, it was crazy. Yet we all drove to work, to school to wherever, as if nothing was happening. It wasn’t until a few moments ago until I discovered why.

 It’s something I’ve done my entire life.

We’re dissociating ourselves from this situation, like I did throughout my life. It’s not something you think about, but rather something that happens on its own without the person realizing its happening. You look into your life from the third person, as if you’re not you, and you move on with your life. I can’t be 100% sure, I’m no psychologist, but I’m pretty sure that’s what’s happening. I wonder if every war is like that, or every attack.

Blocked memories returning

Someday those memories will come back; I pray for everyone’s sakes that it’s sooner rather than later. I’ve blocked everything out for years, dissociated myself for 20 years, and look at me now. When everything came back all at once it literally broke me. I hope it doesn’t break Boston like my life has broken me.

Getting There

Courtesy of v1.brucedale.com

In a post I posted about a month ago I explained how to get your life back together. Well, I lied, because like is really not that easy. At that moment I thought it was, I was feeling better after my wonderful nervous breakdown and things seemingly were getting back together. Boy was I wrong! It took me 36 days to start sleeping on my bed again, the thought of it terrified me, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t sleep there. In fact I was terrified of half of my room, and would rarely cross over to the other side.

Why? You might ask.

Well it’s complicated, it’s a mixture of bad memories and dreams, very terrible memories and dreams that trigger those memories and I was left petrified. It took me about two weeks after that post to finally realize what was wrong. My barriers, my wonderful glass barriers shattered and everything I’ve held back/blocked out came rushing back in.

It’s funny because before I realized what had happened I just thought I was going insane. I went from being absolutely fine to suicidal in less than a day. I skipped depression, which was very strange. I’m used to entering depression, chilling there for a while, and then something big happens and I become a little bit depressed, give up on the world and then actually want to kill myself. I skipped everything and nearly killed myself that night, who knew razors were so hard to take off.

About two weeks later I got a bit better, by telling myself that I’m an idiot and I shouldn’t be feeling as bad as I was. Surprisingly that helped, and then went and saw my therapist.

Things gradually got better after that. My therapist is worried I’m going to kill myself, and its weird having someone actually worry. I’m worried I won’t survive Jordan, there’s a 75% chance I’ll kill myself in the airport, 20% I’ll kill myself sometime there, and 5% I’ll be fine. My therapist is also worried about this.

So moral of the story, don’t ever underestimate mental health, and no one actually knows anything about mental health. For gods sake I’ve been either depressed or suicidal for over a third of my life and I still barely understand it.

Let’s face it, we’re kind of screwed if we try dealing with this on our own. Get help, get a therapist, trust me they’re actually good people.