Caring for the Dead

I haven’t blogged in a while, I guess that’s because things have been crazy. That’s right, crazy, and I’m not kidding. There’s a song by Matchbox 20 called Unwell. It describes the way I feel better than I ever could, except for one major difference, I’m not only unwell I’m actually going crazy.

I’m at work, staring at a computer screen for hours every day, and most days I don’t do any work, that’s how dysfunctional I’ve become. There’s something about emotions that make us dysfunctional, yet despite all that I don’t want to turn off my emotions. Why? No one knows, least of all me, but I think it has to do with the fact that I’m sick and tired of living an emotionless life, in other words not living at all, when I could be dead. It’s not that death is appealing, no, not even close, and knowing me I’ll probably end up in hell, which for some reason doesn’t sound too bad at this point. It’s just that life isn’t appealing, I don’t see a point to it, and no matter what you your life will not have a meaning, and if it does then it’s an irrelevant meaning because let’s face it no one cares, and nothing really matters, so why are we all alive?

Good question, yet even with nothing holding me back, nothing at all I’ve gotten rid of what prevented me the last two times I wanted to kill myself, I still don’t really want to take the leap(literally) and end my life. All I know is that I’m very depressed, and I can’t wait to become suicidal. It’s pretty much all I look forward to in life nowadays because I know I can actually end it this time. Besides the happiness you feel at that moment is the only happiness I’ve ever experienced and I miss it.

I have a list of people I should be talking to about this, but I’ve crossed all of them out. They either don’t care, don’t have time, will break apart if I told them, will not care again because that’s the most popular one, or I just don’t want to talk to them right now.

I don’t like this whole not being able to function thing, but the good news is July 2^nd it might be over, or maybe I’ll extend it till the 28^th. Endings and beginnings should always be on the same day.

I wish I could leave without causing all the heartbreak I will, my family will fall apart, and everyone at school will to. It’s kind of sad, all those people will care after I’m dead yet no one cares when you’re alive.

A Broken Boston

Highway on Fire

On my way back home yesterday a portion of the 495 was on fire. The middle of the highway was literally on fire. Cars moved by slowly, smoke rushed into every single car and we drove away, as if nothing was wrong.

That’s the state Massachusetts is in right now.

I remember thinking what is happening to Massachusetts. This morning I woke up at 6 AM, all the radio stations could talk about was the death of one of the bombers and the escape of his brothers (don’t ask me how someone can escape once you found them). Bombs were apparently going off in certain places, the cops were triggering bombs to make sure the area was secure, it was crazy. Yet we all drove to work, to school to wherever, as if nothing was happening. It wasn’t until a few moments ago until I discovered why.

 It’s something I’ve done my entire life.

We’re dissociating ourselves from this situation, like I did throughout my life. It’s not something you think about, but rather something that happens on its own without the person realizing its happening. You look into your life from the third person, as if you’re not you, and you move on with your life. I can’t be 100% sure, I’m no psychologist, but I’m pretty sure that’s what’s happening. I wonder if every war is like that, or every attack.

Blocked memories returning

Someday those memories will come back; I pray for everyone’s sakes that it’s sooner rather than later. I’ve blocked everything out for years, dissociated myself for 20 years, and look at me now. When everything came back all at once it literally broke me. I hope it doesn’t break Boston like my life has broken me.

Getting There

Courtesy of v1.brucedale.com

In a post I posted about a month ago I explained how to get your life back together. Well, I lied, because like is really not that easy. At that moment I thought it was, I was feeling better after my wonderful nervous breakdown and things seemingly were getting back together. Boy was I wrong! It took me 36 days to start sleeping on my bed again, the thought of it terrified me, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t sleep there. In fact I was terrified of half of my room, and would rarely cross over to the other side.

Why? You might ask.

Well it’s complicated, it’s a mixture of bad memories and dreams, very terrible memories and dreams that trigger those memories and I was left petrified. It took me about two weeks after that post to finally realize what was wrong. My barriers, my wonderful glass barriers shattered and everything I’ve held back/blocked out came rushing back in.

It’s funny because before I realized what had happened I just thought I was going insane. I went from being absolutely fine to suicidal in less than a day. I skipped depression, which was very strange. I’m used to entering depression, chilling there for a while, and then something big happens and I become a little bit depressed, give up on the world and then actually want to kill myself. I skipped everything and nearly killed myself that night, who knew razors were so hard to take off.

About two weeks later I got a bit better, by telling myself that I’m an idiot and I shouldn’t be feeling as bad as I was. Surprisingly that helped, and then went and saw my therapist.

Things gradually got better after that. My therapist is worried I’m going to kill myself, and its weird having someone actually worry. I’m worried I won’t survive Jordan, there’s a 75% chance I’ll kill myself in the airport, 20% I’ll kill myself sometime there, and 5% I’ll be fine. My therapist is also worried about this.

So moral of the story, don’t ever underestimate mental health, and no one actually knows anything about mental health. For gods sake I’ve been either depressed or suicidal for over a third of my life and I still barely understand it.

Let’s face it, we’re kind of screwed if we try dealing with this on our own. Get help, get a therapist, trust me they’re actually good people.

Crumbling



Image courtesy of zazzle.com

I’ve been in a really sour mood these past couple of days, and with good reason. Not only am I dealing with something as traumatic as it gets, I’m doing it alone, as I try to survive my everyday life. It’s really bad, to the point where I can’t even sleep on my own bed anymore, or sleep at all really. I even texted a friend telling her I’m not fine, which if you knew me you’d know I’d never admit that.

But just because things are crap, again with good reason, doesn’t mean I should shut down like I did yesterday and zone out of life.  Fortunately the text didn’t get sent, because although my phone hates me it also loves me from time to time.

We will always have bad days, there will always be days when your world comes crumbling down. The trick isn’t to stop it from falling apart, hell I wish that was possible but it will always crumble. The trick is to get up from under the rubble; you might have bruises, scars, even broken bones, you may be changed forever, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You need to accept that your world crumbled, analyze why, and learn how to stop it from crumbling for the same reasons again. I know I’m making it sound simple, and you’re probably shaking your head reading this. And you’re right, it’s not easy, I’ve dealt with depression, being suicidal, almost going insane, and if I told you any of it, even before it became so bad I couldn’t deal with it anymore, then I’d be lying.

So how do you get back up? The first thing you need to do, well you need to NOT BLOCK it out. I’m guilty of doing the exact opposite of that for years. I blocked everything out, and I mean everything and that might feel great for a while, kind of like going and getting drunk and forgetting everything for a while. All that does is leave you hung-over in the morning and realizing that you’ve wasted an entire night ignoring a problem that couldn’t be ignored. IT’s the same way when your brain blocks things out for you, the only difference is, when you finally realize that you’ve been ignoring something you should’ve dealt with a long time ago you won’t remember what you need to from it. Because our brains don’t always give us back what they take, and then you’re stuck with the after effect of the issue, without actually knowing everything about the issue, which will leave you confused and worse off than you were when this whole thing started.

The second thing is to either get a foundation or have it help you get up. Like every good building you need a foundation, so the same people or resources that were keeping your world in place are the ones that can help you raise it back up. Of course these people will change, and after falling you might realize that one of the corners was weaker than the others, and instead of carrying you up that person, or that thing, was actually pushing you down.

Everyone says you should forgive but never forget, I say some people don’t deserve to be forgiven. That’s step three. If forgiveness works for you then by all means do it, but if you’re like me and forgiving people does nothing for you then don’t. The truth is you don’t have to, they did something wrong, they need to earn that forgiveness, and if they don’t even try then they don’t deserve it. But they also don’t deserve you to waste time on them, to be in your life, or even worse you loving them. This is why you can’t forget, because if you do then you’re back in the same situation and even with a stronger foundation you’re world will crumble back down.

Last but not least let it go. And I don’t mean forgive them and move on, I actually mean let them go. I’m talking about problems (which are sometimes people). Acknowledge the problem happened, analyze why, see if you can fix it, if you can then fix it and move on, and if you can’t then you deserve better than wasting your time on a problem that can’t be fixed. For those problems get help, and if that help isn’t good enough then you can walk away, never forgetting but always having it there so you don’t fall into that trap again and move on with your life to the point where that problem becomes so small it’s not worth thinking of anymore.

THE APOLOGY

I'm not really into the whole blogging thing anymore, especially since no one reads this stuff, but I can't help myself. I just got an apology from someone. Now I know that's not a big deal, people apologize all the time, and mostly never mean it. But this was THE APOLOGY. Ok that doesn't mean anything without an explanation. So I am the way I am because one of my best friends, they made me who I am, although not purposely and they're nothing like me. But they made me as hard as I am, as emotionless, and they're great because they made me this person. Regardless of that they put me through a lot of shit, and obviously I wasn't who I am now so it affected me. Over the years, well three to be exact I let that person go. We're still in contact, but we're not friends, at least not from my end, and well today that person came and apologized. Of course I'm beyond the point of caring, but it was still strange, and kind of nice to have people admit that everything you've ever said was right. If only that has helped me in life, now just waiting on a few more people to apologize sincerely.

Happiness

I was recently told by my therapist that things are going to get worse, a lot worse. He doesn't usually make predictions, but this time at the end of our meeting he gave me a brochure for the suicide prevention hotline. This was the first time he'd mentioned it, despite the fact that I've been seeing him for over a year now, and even when I talked about my depression or the suicide days as I like to call them, he never mentioned it.

A normal person would be scared, terrified even, how bad does he expect it to get? But I wasn't scared, no I smiles, I might've even laughed, because it was ridiculous. I've gone through hell, I've been homeless, starved, went through four years of depression, two of being suicidal, and I'm haunted by my past, yet the worst is yet to come?!
 
I laughed because... well because it's true as ridiculous as it sounds. My brain protected me from everything bad, maybe not in the best of ways, but blocking things out is what kept me alive. Yet my brain, because of all that, doesn't know how to react to good things. Yes, that's my problem, things are going good, and things have been so bad that I'm having withdrawal symptoms. So getting close to happiness might be the thing that kills me after all. It's actually really funny because that means there is no hope, for anyone. The thing is though it's going to get so bad, worse than before, but if I get through it, and allow myself to be happy everything will be fine. I won't be screwed up, well I'll always be screwed up, but I'll be happy. The word is so foreign to my tongue that I almost don't know it's meaning.
 
The problem is do I want to let go of ME, of all the things that hurt me, or all my misery and guilt, of all my pain? But then I wouldn't be me, I'd be like everyone else, trusting, and stuff. I don't think I want that, but then I'll have no excuse, because then I'd have chosen misery over happiness.

 

An Unexpected Journey, The Hobbit

I commented about the Hobbit being split into three films a few months ago, and like everyone else, I was skeptical. But I was wrong, the Hobbit was spectacular. I saw it last night at a sold out midnight showing, and by the end everyone was clapping. Even though the movie was almost three hours long, and there were officers everywhere, the movie was all anyone can look at.

The Hobbit was phenomenal. Not a lot of people, if any, can pull off what Peter Jackson pulls off in this movie.

I'm a fan of the book, sort of, I liked the story, but I felt like all the awesome parts were not included in the book because the main character wasn't in them. In this movie, and I'm guessing in the next two as well, everything is included. The fall of the dwarves, the Necromancer, everything is included and that blew me away.

The 48 FPS(frames per second) instead of the normal 24 FPS was a little bit hard to get used to, but even when it bothered me I was grateful for it. The image were clearer and sharper, and made the experience even more remarkable than it'd have been on the normal 24FPS.
I wont give too much away, all I can say is that the movie was all I thought it would be, and at times a lot more than anything I could've expected.