Though my life was dreadful at some point, it no longer is. I never forget that, and despite being depressed for 2 years and then suicidal for 2 more, I am no longer in that state of mind. Yet even so, despite my life being great, I doubt I will ever see living as better than dying. When you've wanted to die as long as I have it becomes an obsession, and even when you're indifferent about it, you still would welcome it.
Yet even so I am grateful for everything I have, for my family, friends, and everything else in my life. At one point I thought I had none of that, but now I do, and it has made me a happier person because of it. But the fact remains that I don't believe in happiness. I accept small moments of it, but to be happy forever is just beyond my imagination.
As you know I'm not the type of person that'll let anyone in, not completely, not even my closest friends know who I am. This blog is my way of letting go, and actually saying what's on my mind. I don't care if people read it, in fact I'd prefer they didn't. I know at times I might seem like I'm getting depressed again, but honestly the things on here are moments of weakness, and despite everything I will never go back to how I was 2 years ago.
As for the ex-best friend ordeal, if I terminate a friendship I let that person know. The person I was referring to in an earlier post is someone I should've stopped being friends with a long time ago, before we met. And I'm glad that's over with.
Honestly in the end I'm grateful for having a friend like you, that'll notice when something might be wrong, and ask about it. Not many have done so in the past, it was always unnoticed, and that only made things worse. So thank you!
Sincerely,
SA
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