The Power of Acknowledgement

 

A while back I wrote about suffering alone and how it makes everything worse because it means you’re on your own, and no one should go through mental health illnesses alone. I shared my experience with this, and how it made things worse, until I was able to pull myself through it which just made things worse later on. You can read more about it here.

I’m bringing this up because my mom finally realized just how bad it was for me. She was telling me how our neighbor’s daughter-in-law was becoming like me and wanting to die. I asked if she has kids, my mom said two and the thirds on the way. I asked if it started after one of the births, and after some thought she said you’re right it started after the second baby. I asked if it became worse with the new baby on the way and she said yes. I kept asking more about symptoms and it became very clear that she’s suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or Postpartum depression, or a combination of both. I told my mom this and told her to tell them she needs psychological help and needs to talk to someone otherwise it will most likely get worse without help. In the end she understood it’s a disease and not something she can control (though her husband apparently wanted to get her an exorcist?!).

Then she asked me if I was going through the same thing back when I lived here a few years ago, and I obviously said duh and she asked why I never told her. I reminded her that I told her and my dad multiple times that I want/will kill myself. In then end she apologized telling me they didn’t know better at the time, and that they should’ve gotten me help. The acknowledgement, though a few years too late, still made me feel so much better. Not only because I was right as always and they were wrong, but because it was almost like a promise that if I or one of my sisters ever need help again they might help this time. I doubt that they will, but it still feels nice to have the illusion that someone is there for you. 

21

I officially turned 21 today! I know I can drink legally now, of course if that's all there's to look forward to this year then God help me, because I don't drink. I never understood why 21 is such a milestone, I suppose you can drink, but if you don't drink you're just a year older. A year older is not necessary a good thing, but  suppose none of my birthdays' are. I am technically three since I should've died three years ago but that never happened so I'm 21. It was an enjoyable birthday, just enough people remembered it. I activated my fb account today because I'll be needing it for work and having people that don't really care say happy birthday is always great.

In other news I've hit 50K in my new novel. i'm actually really proud of this one. I should be done before next week, which means it's taken less than a month to complete. Of course this is just a shitty first draft, so i'm not getting too excited.
In other news new more people are dying everywhere, literally. What is happening to the world?

The World we live in Today!

I don’t know if you heard anything about the things going on in Egypt, it’s not getting much coverage but a lot is going on. Just last night another 100 supporters of Mursi, the overthrown president or Egypt, were killed just after dawn. The government continues to claim that they did not fire any weapons, just tear gas, but in every report I’ve read they said that they’re reporters said there were gun wounds to the head and chest. It got me thinking, what kind of world are we living in nowadays? A world where a hundred people can die for protesting, and pretty much no one hears about it, and the people responsible deny doing it. I wonder how bad the people going through it must feel, they’re dying, but no one hears about it and the ones that do are told it’s a lie. It’s a very disturbing thought. Imagine if no one believed the holocaust actually happened. What if everyone thought it was a lie? See it’s not a pleasant thought, even if you weren’t in the holocaust or knew anyone in it.

It’s the same in Syria, thousands have died already, and no one does anything about it. Everyone cares about themselves, and if helping doesn’t help them they won’t do it.

I recently read an interview for the guy who wrote man of steel and he said writing a sequel will be difficult because superman is a superhero for the world and not just a specific area. So he asked, what would superman do with everything going on in the world, with Syria, and Egypt, and the Palestine/Israel situation? I wonder if he’d do anything. After all there are lots of people out there who can do something, but they usually don’t.

 

RIP



Like many Americans’ I am saddened by the news of George Zimmerman’s acquittal over the murder of Trayvon martin. It was truly a sad day, and it remains a sad day as everyone comes to the same conclusion that many of us have known for years, there is no equality, not just in America but in the world.

Photo courtesy of
AFP/Scott Olson

Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like in the time of the civil war, or before that right when slavery started, or even in the time of Martin Luther king Jr. I wonder if the white people I know would be the same people enslaving people, or would they stand against their own. Saying their own in itself is a problem, we’re all people regardless of color. Regardless, I’m curious.

Then I remember Rodney King was less than twenty years ago, and now with Trayvon we’re back in the same place. Perhaps it’s not as bad, and someone might be angered by my comparison, but any kind of racial injustice, no matter how small, is still too much.

 I remember all the other things people are fighting for, like gay marriage, or any kind of equality and I’m reminded that those people are still out there. They’re not necessarily bad, but there are hundreds of millions of people that will do things just because that’s how it’s always been done. They don’t question it, and the injustice continues. 

I’m sure there are a lot of people like me who simply don’t understand why we’re fighting over these silly matters that are really none of our busy. Trayvon shouldn’t have died to show us a problem we have, and people shouldn’t fight for the right to be married, we shouldn’t have these issues to begin with.

RIP Trayvon  and everyone who’s lost their lives over the past few hundred years fighting for their freedom.

Expectations

I’m in Jordan. I don’t know how to make it any more dramatic than that. I have been for the past five days. And I’m clearly still alive. In fact it’s a lot better than I expected it to be. One breakdown in five days, that’s a real accomplishment. Someone should give me a medal. It’s really not too bad. My parents agreed to let me go to Switzerland, well my mom said yes, but dad said no, and since my dad has the money it was a no. But then I offered to get a fifth job and he relented and said fine, and not to get a fifth job since im already working 40 hours on a normal week during school. I’m excited, sort of. I imagined I’d be, but I’m not really, and I don’t really know why, ‘

Lesson learned: Sometimes things work out, but are overshadowed by you thinking they’re not going to work, s when they do we’re still held up on them not working out. Our expectations are raised too high and the real thing can no longer compete. In other words lower your expectations.

Lesson#2: Breaks are good, even if they’re in Jordan!

Now I’m not saying Switzerland won’t be awesome. /I just don’t think I deserve it, and it seems like a very long way off. It’s the first thing I’ve wanted for myself in years, and even though it’ great I get this one thing, it’s still depressing thinking that over the past 10 or so years I haven’t wanted a thing.

Change

cxjourney.blogspot.com -

I was reading one of my previous posts on here and wow, it’s depressing. The whole blog kind of is. It matches my mood since I started the blog almost a year ago. But still, I don’t want to be ranting about how depressing my life is all the time. Now I’m ranting about how depressing the blog about my depressing life is. I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

I’m going to try something new with every post I write about my life, no matter how depressing the post is, or how bad I’m feeling at the time I’ll link it to a life lesson or some other meaningful thing. For example if I’m having a shitty day at work I can write more about the effect of mental health issues in the workplace, or if I see my therapist and I want to write about how screwed up I am because I see a shrink I’ll go into some detail about what worked for me and what didn’t during our session.

I’m hoping that if someone reads the post and is depressed but isn’t getting the help they need they’ll be able to read it and possibly learn from my experiences.

I probably should’ve been doing this all along, but it’s never too late for change, and I love change!  

Caring for the Dead

I haven’t blogged in a while, I guess that’s because things have been crazy. That’s right, crazy, and I’m not kidding. There’s a song by Matchbox 20 called Unwell. It describes the way I feel better than I ever could, except for one major difference, I’m not only unwell I’m actually going crazy.

I’m at work, staring at a computer screen for hours every day, and most days I don’t do any work, that’s how dysfunctional I’ve become. There’s something about emotions that make us dysfunctional, yet despite all that I don’t want to turn off my emotions. Why? No one knows, least of all me, but I think it has to do with the fact that I’m sick and tired of living an emotionless life, in other words not living at all, when I could be dead. It’s not that death is appealing, no, not even close, and knowing me I’ll probably end up in hell, which for some reason doesn’t sound too bad at this point. It’s just that life isn’t appealing, I don’t see a point to it, and no matter what you your life will not have a meaning, and if it does then it’s an irrelevant meaning because let’s face it no one cares, and nothing really matters, so why are we all alive?

Good question, yet even with nothing holding me back, nothing at all I’ve gotten rid of what prevented me the last two times I wanted to kill myself, I still don’t really want to take the leap(literally) and end my life. All I know is that I’m very depressed, and I can’t wait to become suicidal. It’s pretty much all I look forward to in life nowadays because I know I can actually end it this time. Besides the happiness you feel at that moment is the only happiness I’ve ever experienced and I miss it.

I have a list of people I should be talking to about this, but I’ve crossed all of them out. They either don’t care, don’t have time, will break apart if I told them, will not care again because that’s the most popular one, or I just don’t want to talk to them right now.

I don’t like this whole not being able to function thing, but the good news is July 2^nd it might be over, or maybe I’ll extend it till the 28^th. Endings and beginnings should always be on the same day.

I wish I could leave without causing all the heartbreak I will, my family will fall apart, and everyone at school will to. It’s kind of sad, all those people will care after I’m dead yet no one cares when you’re alive.