I haven’t blogged in
a while, I guess that’s because things have been crazy. That’s right, crazy,
and I’m not kidding. There’s a song by Matchbox 20 called Unwell. It describes
the way I feel better than I ever could, except for one major difference, I’m
not only unwell I’m actually going crazy.
I’m at work, staring
at a computer screen for hours every day, and most days I don’t do any work,
that’s how dysfunctional I’ve become. There’s something about emotions that
make us dysfunctional, yet despite all that I don’t want to turn off my
emotions. Why? No one knows, least of all me, but I think it has to do with the
fact that I’m sick and tired of living an emotionless life, in other words not
living at all, when I could be dead. It’s not that death is appealing, no, not
even close, and knowing me I’ll probably end up in hell, which for some reason
doesn’t sound too bad at this point. It’s just that life isn’t appealing, I don’t
see a point to it, and no matter what you your life will not have a meaning,
and if it does then it’s an irrelevant meaning because let’s face it no one
cares, and nothing really matters, so why are we all alive?
Good question, yet
even with nothing holding me back, nothing at all I’ve gotten rid of what
prevented me the last two times I wanted to kill myself, I still don’t really
want to take the leap(literally) and end my life. All I know is that I’m very
depressed, and I can’t wait to become suicidal. It’s pretty much all I look
forward to in life nowadays because I know I can actually end it this time. Besides
the happiness you feel at that moment is the only happiness I’ve ever experienced
and I miss it.
I have a list of
people I should be talking to about this, but I’ve crossed all of them out.
They either don’t care, don’t have time, will break apart if I told them, will
not care again because that’s the most popular one, or I just don’t want to
talk to them right now.
I don’t like this
whole not being able to function thing, but the good news is July 2nd
it might be over, or maybe I’ll extend it till the 28th. Endings and
beginnings should always be on the same day.
I wish I could leave without
causing all the heartbreak I will, my family will fall apart, and everyone at
school will to. It’s kind of sad, all those people will care after I’m dead yet
no one cares when you’re alive.
