Sandy

So I have an enormous headache- and we're being run over by a hurricane. Yet I don't really know what's worse. Honestly, before coming here I thought being in a hurricane is a lot more serious than we'er being right now. Maybe it's because we're only on the sidelines, but honestly all anyone cares about here is whether we have school tomorrow or not. We actually got today off, thank god, because I don't think we could have made it to class. I went out at 12 and things weren't too bad, but after my meeting ended, around 1:00 PM, things were getting serious. My hat nearly blew away, and I came pretty close to blowing away myself at times, and that wasn't even the worst of it.

I'm stuck in my building until this whole thing is over, and really all I want is for my head to stop pounding. 

Friends

I should be asleep, but instead I'm writing this, which is kind of pissing me off. I think I'm addicted to blocking, it's kind of like therapy for me. I need to get things off my chest, and this is the only way I know how.
I was thinking about the day I turned my life around. I didn't wake up and say that I'm turning my life around, coming out of depression and I don't want to kill myself anymore. It was a bit more dramatic though. It was right after my senior year(Sort of), and I went with a friend to visit the university we were both supposed to go to. I thought it was a bad idea for him to come to the US right away, and convinced him to transfer from a Jordanian University instead.

I of course had given up on life completely by then, but agreed to go to the same university for two years. Again I thought I'd be long dead by then. We had an entire plan in place, I'd join him when I officially graduated a few months later since I still needed to finish Biology and Physics  I'd get a sports scholarship or something, and a couple of years later we'd both transfer. Again I wasn't supposed to be alive when all this happened, I figured he'd do it after I died to honor our plans.

However on that day, everything changed. For some reason they didn't have the athletic Scholarship, or it didn't count for engineering majors, which what I wanted. Or I think I just convinced myself I wanted engineering because it made the most money, but at the same time I was going to be dead before I graduated.

The news didn't affect me much, but after a silent two hour ride back to the capital, he finally spoke up. He said everything on his mind, and it was everything I blamed for my terrible life. Back then he was my only friend, or the only person I considered a friend. He was the person I talked to back then to get things off my chest, because he was going through almost the same things. But that day in that crappy bus station he said it was all my fault  that I didn't get that good grades, that I wasn't published, everything. I don't even remember what he said, I just remember the overwhelming feeling that kind of took over. When you tell a suicidal person that all their reasons for being suicidal are their faults, it usually doesn't end well.

Yet somehow for me it did. Before that I was supposed to die, but after that there was this slight, and by slight I mean a one in a million chance, that I won't die. That I'll like till I'm like 25, and I have to go to college. So that night I started researching every university I can look up online, in every possible country. I researched SAT's, TOEFL, Visas, everything I need to leave that place. Because that one in a million chance was worth leaving for.

After that I told myself that I want the best life possible, until I can finally die.

People don't understand why I hate Jordan, and they think I'm one of those people that will want to kill themselves for nothing, but in the few months after that day I'd live with a person I hate, seclude myself from the world and speak to no one for months, freeze my ass off because I couldn't afford heating, be homeless at one point, starve because I had no money to buy food. There were moments where I'd pray that I could find 25 cents so I can buy a bag of chips or something. I'd pray that my uncle would invite me for dinner because I'd stay days without food.

But then it was over. All that work paid off, and a better life was on the horizon.

I don't know if I ever forgave my friend for what he did, but at the same time I'm grateful because he forced me to turn my life around. He'd go on to make my life a living hell in the months after that, literally to the point where instead of searching for colleges I'd search for mental institutes because I wanted to be in one. I gave up on friends because of him, and my thoughts will probably never change. But that's a story for another day.

For now goodnight everyone!

The power of the mind

They say our brains are the most remarkable parts of our bodies, not only do we think with them, but they hold the key to our sanity. I saw a Facebook post a few days ago saying the same thing, and then it says but which part of the body is telling you this. Though it's true our brains are telling us just how awesome they are, they are awesome in their own right.

Take today for example. I woke up feeling like crap, despite sleeping 10 hours(which is a miracle in the school I go to), I forgot two mandatory meetings, and pretty much forced myself to stay awake in all of my classes. I didn't really understand it, and then I fell asleep at like 6 PM  for absolutely no reason. I woke up a couple of hours later, and I realized that I'm being a moron. Yes I had a rough A-term, I had training even before that, and this break was literally hell, but there was no reason for me to be tired, or stressed about anything. Everything is going great, and the fact that my body was acting out by being exhausted is not acceptable. So I got up, and started doing work.

There's probably a reason my brain and body were ganging up against me, telling me I need a break, but I can't really afford one right now.

On another note, my research paper was finally published(which is pretty awesome), and I'm almost done all the paperwork for my Co-op. Here's to a new, better, and hopefully less tiring term, but if that doesn't happen, then I'll deal with it, like I've dealt with everything else, by convincing myself it's fine and getting over it. 

Switzerland

I took a single day off, just one, the second in over 2 months, and guess what the world nearly ended. Everything was falling apart. Every single one of my jobs was on the line, I was becoming a terrible RA, the budget for the conference made me want to shoot  myself, and honestly the only thing that was helping was eating ice cream. But then things turned around, and I realized that the world can end for all I care. That despite everything I am a wonderful RA, and if people don't want to hire me than it's their loss.

I also had my interview to go to Switzerland, I think it went great, but we'll see. There are so few spots, and I don't know if they're looking for someone with as much international experience as me. But again we'll see, but for now I'm gonna stay eating Ice Cream, and ignoring the little things that make our worlds fall apart.

OVER

I am officially done, the conference is over, and I can't move my feet. It was surprisingly a huge hit, I still need to go through the list of attendees and the finances to see if we're not bankrupt, but we did great for our first conference. The other main highlight of my day would be the fact that the person I was worried about, didn't even recognize me. Which makes me feel like crap since he was a huge part of my childhood, and he passed right by me, and didn't even say hi. I don't know if he's mad or something, but I deserve more than that. It's funny how sometimes someone could have a huge effect on you, and then not even remember you.

But for now I am done, and I get a day off, and then back to work, school, reimbursments, and everything else. In other words back to LIFE...

Untitled

They say that life gets better with the years. I suppose I can attest to that, yet there will always be this numbing feeling telling you otherwise. Why is it that every time things are going great we still don't see them as such? Is it our nature to find faults in everything we do?

Take this week for example. I get offered a job that I never even dreamt of getting, I have an amazing week in all my jobs, and for the first time in years I actually get to watch TV. Yet even so, my insomnia is back, and I have this feeling that everything is not alright. As if I've missed something terrible, and it will come back to haunt me. 

The conference is in less than two days, so hopefully it will go well. Then after that I get a day off, where I get to sleep in, and eat microwavable froze lasagna. Now that's a good weekend.

A Wonderful World

I am finally done! Yet now that I am, I kind of miss it. The future seems a bit bleak for me for the next week or so. I need to work three jobs, and work on the conference for the next week, and I need to finish editing. Yet I'm exhausted, and my eyes are strained from the amount of time I've been looking at computer screens. 

Yet my problems seems so small compared to everything going on there. People in Syria are still killing each other, another embassy worker in Yemen was killed by Al-Qaida, and from what I hear Jordan's on the verge of riots erupting as well. 

What a wonderful world!

Fall Break

It's hard to believe that this is my 25th post. I would try to make it a special post to mark the occasion  but I don't have time. I have six tests this week, well 3 more now. I have 2 labs, and a photo shoot tomorrow( I  know right). And in less than 48 hours I will be done, and A term will be over. Then I'll work, and more work, adding the finishing touches to the conference, and I need to finish editing my first book. What a wonderful break! 

Yet despite all that I'm doing great. I'm thinking of joining a fraternity, waiting for my application to go abroad to go through, and to hear back from the company I interviewed with. Things can either get really good from here, or really bad.

DEAR FRIEND,

Though my life was dreadful at some point, it no longer is. I never forget that, and despite being depressed for 2 years and then suicidal for 2 more, I am no longer in that state of mind. Yet even so, despite my life being great, I doubt I will ever see living as better than dying. When you've wanted to die as long as I have it becomes an obsession, and even when you're indifferent about it, you still would welcome it.

Yet even so I am grateful for everything I have, for my family, friends, and everything else in my life. At one point I thought I had none of that, but now I do, and it has made me a happier person because of it. But the fact remains that I don't believe in happiness. I accept small moments of it, but to be happy forever is just beyond my imagination.

As you know I'm not the type of person that'll let anyone in, not completely, not even my closest friends know who I am. This blog is my way of letting go, and actually saying what's on my mind. I don't care if people read it, in fact I'd prefer they didn't. I know at times I might seem like I'm getting depressed again, but honestly the things on here are moments of weakness, and despite everything I will never go back to how I was 2 years ago.

As for the ex-best friend ordeal, if I terminate a friendship I let that person know. The person I was referring to in an earlier post is someone I should've stopped being friends with a long time ago, before we met. And I'm glad that's over with.

Honestly in the end I'm grateful for having a friend like you, that'll notice when something might be wrong, and ask about it. Not many have done so in the past, it was always unnoticed, and that only made things worse. So thank you!

Sincerely,

SA

ME

I really should be asleep right now. it's 2 AM, and I have to tests tomorrow/today. Yet I can't stop thinking. I needed someone this past summer, and they weren't there. now that person is coming here, and i'm an odd mix of happy, and sad all at the same time. Believe it or not this summer I wanted to become an atheist. I know it doesn't sound like me, because i'm a proud Muslim, and everyone knows that. I believe in everything in Islam, but my best friend, or ex best friend told me something about it, and it was one of those misunderstood versus, and for a moment my faith shattered. I guess it wasn't as strong as I though because a single thing pulled it all apart. I didn't know what to do, as usual, and as usual there was no one there to help me through it. It was the start of a terrible summer, and honestly I don't know how I got over it. 

Sometimes I wish I could drink and drain my sorrows away with a bottle of vodka. But I know that won't help, it'll waste my time, and i'll be an idiot for a while. I'll wake up with a headache worse than the one I usually wake up with, and it will simply cause me problems. I just wish there was a way to be myself I guess, just let everything go, and be me, but then again I don't know ME.

Perks

I went to see the perks of being a wallflower tonight, and i'm pleasantly surprised by it. I saw the trailer for it a few months ago when it first came out, and I wanted to see it. The thing is though; I want to see a lot of movies, so if it weren't for my friend insisting on watching it I probably would've waited until i have a break or something.

I wasn't really sure what to expect going in though, the trailer was very vague, and honestly Emma Watson was the only reason I wanted to watch the movie in the first place. The movie is mainly about an introvert freshman trying to deal with the difficulties of high school, and overcome his past all at the same time. Which from personal experience I can tell you is not easy. High school alone is hard enough, but if your past is haunting you then that needs to be taken care of.

I think the book and movie relate to everyone's lives, whether you had a rough time through high school or not, and for some of us it makes us envious that we didn't have friends like Sam (Emma Watson) and Patrick (Ezra Miller) as we were going through some of this stuff.

The movie made me think a lot about my own life. I didn't have a very conventional high school experience, but there were a lot of things in the movie that I could relate to, right down to the fact that he wants to be a writer. Unfortunately I understand a lot of what the character goes through in the movie, far more that I'd like to admit.

Overall it was a wonderful movie. Some things had to be cut from the book as my friend put it, but they needed it to appeal to everyone so it's understandable. I give it a 4 out of 5.

Different Corners of the World

Do you know what's the worst thing you can go through? Maybe not the worst because you can always imagine the impossible happened. but something extremely bad. Something that tears you apart more than you're already torn apart. The worst thing is if you're crying for help yet there's no on there to help, no one listens to your pleas, and you're all alone. I remember going through that. I remember accepting my depression and then wanting to kill myself, but right between those two I called for help. I used to tell everyone i wanted to die, I even told them I counted how high building are, and how fast cars are going to see if they'd actually kill me and not just leave me paralyzed  Yet no one listened, and I was alone, and before long it escalated and killing myself was the sweetest thing. 

I'm not bringing this up because i'm back to that, in fact I couldn't be happier (God I hope that's not true). But I was informed this morning that one of my sisters is talking to a friend of mine. I know that doesn't sound alarming, but they've never met, I've never introduced them, and they live a few thousand miles apart. My sister couldn't talk to anyone about her issues, so she looked to my friend all the way in Norway. She's depressed, like I'm sure at least half my sisters are. My parents are probably as well, but no one acknowledges any of it. And I fear that they'll suffer the same fate I did, and go so far down they never escape it. because even now, nearing happiness as I am, I see death as a sweeter delight that life. and I don't think I'll ever want to live more than to die.

I know this is my fault because I left, but honestly I would've made them more miserable by being there  I'm a terrible brother  and a terrible human being, and sometimes I think that if I died, or even faked my death they'd be better off. but I know that's not true, because love is a poison running through our hearts, and for whatever reason they love me, and in a weird sort of way I love my family. Yet we're all paralyzed by hopelessness and the different corners of the world life has put us in. I'll never be able to live with them again, and honestly I don't think i'll ever have anyone other than them. I will be alone forever, and forever never seems to end. 

Work Work Work

I had my interview this morning and it went rather well, despite that I practically forgot everything I know about the software they want me for. It was a pretty amazing company, and I'd love to work there, but we'll have to see what happens. I mean even if they offer me the position I still have to deal with the whole RA ordeal. I doubt they'd let me go that easily. But again, I'll have to wait and see.

I have so many things to do I can't even worry about that. I have a test this week, like four labs, and a million things to do for the conference. And the week after that I have five tests, a final, and a million more things to do for the conference. Then in the break, I have two jobs, a million things to finish for the conference, finish editing PARADOX, and plan all the events I want for B-term. So much for a break!