Friends

I should be asleep, but instead I'm writing this, which is kind of pissing me off. I think I'm addicted to blocking, it's kind of like therapy for me. I need to get things off my chest, and this is the only way I know how.
I was thinking about the day I turned my life around. I didn't wake up and say that I'm turning my life around, coming out of depression and I don't want to kill myself anymore. It was a bit more dramatic though. It was right after my senior year(Sort of), and I went with a friend to visit the university we were both supposed to go to. I thought it was a bad idea for him to come to the US right away, and convinced him to transfer from a Jordanian University instead.

I of course had given up on life completely by then, but agreed to go to the same university for two years. Again I thought I'd be long dead by then. We had an entire plan in place, I'd join him when I officially graduated a few months later since I still needed to finish Biology and Physics  I'd get a sports scholarship or something, and a couple of years later we'd both transfer. Again I wasn't supposed to be alive when all this happened, I figured he'd do it after I died to honor our plans.

However on that day, everything changed. For some reason they didn't have the athletic Scholarship, or it didn't count for engineering majors, which what I wanted. Or I think I just convinced myself I wanted engineering because it made the most money, but at the same time I was going to be dead before I graduated.

The news didn't affect me much, but after a silent two hour ride back to the capital, he finally spoke up. He said everything on his mind, and it was everything I blamed for my terrible life. Back then he was my only friend, or the only person I considered a friend. He was the person I talked to back then to get things off my chest, because he was going through almost the same things. But that day in that crappy bus station he said it was all my fault  that I didn't get that good grades, that I wasn't published, everything. I don't even remember what he said, I just remember the overwhelming feeling that kind of took over. When you tell a suicidal person that all their reasons for being suicidal are their faults, it usually doesn't end well.

Yet somehow for me it did. Before that I was supposed to die, but after that there was this slight, and by slight I mean a one in a million chance, that I won't die. That I'll like till I'm like 25, and I have to go to college. So that night I started researching every university I can look up online, in every possible country. I researched SAT's, TOEFL, Visas, everything I need to leave that place. Because that one in a million chance was worth leaving for.

After that I told myself that I want the best life possible, until I can finally die.

People don't understand why I hate Jordan, and they think I'm one of those people that will want to kill themselves for nothing, but in the few months after that day I'd live with a person I hate, seclude myself from the world and speak to no one for months, freeze my ass off because I couldn't afford heating, be homeless at one point, starve because I had no money to buy food. There were moments where I'd pray that I could find 25 cents so I can buy a bag of chips or something. I'd pray that my uncle would invite me for dinner because I'd stay days without food.

But then it was over. All that work paid off, and a better life was on the horizon.

I don't know if I ever forgave my friend for what he did, but at the same time I'm grateful because he forced me to turn my life around. He'd go on to make my life a living hell in the months after that, literally to the point where instead of searching for colleges I'd search for mental institutes because I wanted to be in one. I gave up on friends because of him, and my thoughts will probably never change. But that's a story for another day.

For now goodnight everyone!