Crumbling



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I’ve been in a really sour mood these past couple of days, and with good reason. Not only am I dealing with something as traumatic as it gets, I’m doing it alone, as I try to survive my everyday life. It’s really bad, to the point where I can’t even sleep on my own bed anymore, or sleep at all really. I even texted a friend telling her I’m not fine, which if you knew me you’d know I’d never admit that.

But just because things are crap, again with good reason, doesn’t mean I should shut down like I did yesterday and zone out of life.  Fortunately the text didn’t get sent, because although my phone hates me it also loves me from time to time.

We will always have bad days, there will always be days when your world comes crumbling down. The trick isn’t to stop it from falling apart, hell I wish that was possible but it will always crumble. The trick is to get up from under the rubble; you might have bruises, scars, even broken bones, you may be changed forever, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You need to accept that your world crumbled, analyze why, and learn how to stop it from crumbling for the same reasons again. I know I’m making it sound simple, and you’re probably shaking your head reading this. And you’re right, it’s not easy, I’ve dealt with depression, being suicidal, almost going insane, and if I told you any of it, even before it became so bad I couldn’t deal with it anymore, then I’d be lying.

So how do you get back up? The first thing you need to do, well you need to NOT BLOCK it out. I’m guilty of doing the exact opposite of that for years. I blocked everything out, and I mean everything and that might feel great for a while, kind of like going and getting drunk and forgetting everything for a while. All that does is leave you hung-over in the morning and realizing that you’ve wasted an entire night ignoring a problem that couldn’t be ignored. IT’s the same way when your brain blocks things out for you, the only difference is, when you finally realize that you’ve been ignoring something you should’ve dealt with a long time ago you won’t remember what you need to from it. Because our brains don’t always give us back what they take, and then you’re stuck with the after effect of the issue, without actually knowing everything about the issue, which will leave you confused and worse off than you were when this whole thing started.

The second thing is to either get a foundation or have it help you get up. Like every good building you need a foundation, so the same people or resources that were keeping your world in place are the ones that can help you raise it back up. Of course these people will change, and after falling you might realize that one of the corners was weaker than the others, and instead of carrying you up that person, or that thing, was actually pushing you down.

Everyone says you should forgive but never forget, I say some people don’t deserve to be forgiven. That’s step three. If forgiveness works for you then by all means do it, but if you’re like me and forgiving people does nothing for you then don’t. The truth is you don’t have to, they did something wrong, they need to earn that forgiveness, and if they don’t even try then they don’t deserve it. But they also don’t deserve you to waste time on them, to be in your life, or even worse you loving them. This is why you can’t forget, because if you do then you’re back in the same situation and even with a stronger foundation you’re world will crumble back down.

Last but not least let it go. And I don’t mean forgive them and move on, I actually mean let them go. I’m talking about problems (which are sometimes people). Acknowledge the problem happened, analyze why, see if you can fix it, if you can then fix it and move on, and if you can’t then you deserve better than wasting your time on a problem that can’t be fixed. For those problems get help, and if that help isn’t good enough then you can walk away, never forgetting but always having it there so you don’t fall into that trap again and move on with your life to the point where that problem becomes so small it’s not worth thinking of anymore.