LOVE

I don’t understand love. I know that's because I’ve never been in love. But I can't understand something that'd keep a person in an abusive relationship, or if your simply being hurt by the other person. I’m bringing this up because the friends that recently broke up are on the verge of getting back together. My male friend hurt my female friend far too much, to the point that I’m no longer friends with him. He was abusive in so many ways, yet it took her a year and a half to break up with him. And now she's on the verge of going back to him, because she loves him, and he might commit suicide if she doesn't. I know he won’t kill himself; he's too into himself to even consider it. Besides as a person that was suicidal for two years, I know a suicidal person when I see one, and he's not.

But even if he is, should she give up her happiness for him? Whoever said that being in love meant being happy is totally wrong. I know this is true from countless friends that have experienced it. They all would literally give up everything for another person that more often than not doesn't feel the same way about them. I don't understand this, I’d give up my happiness for my family, but not if they're abusive, because in the end of the day they have to deserve my love. If they treat me like all those people were treated I’d say the hell with them.

I know I said I don’t understand love, and I probably never will, but is love worth it if it’s harming us? I know from some of my own characters that the answer is yes at times, but they always end up either regretting it or work it out. So I guess the moral of that is to change. You can't stay the same and expect to wake up happier, you can't expect the other person to change, and if you want to stay with them you have to change. 

So here's my bit of advice for people not sure whether or not to break up with the person they're with:

1) If they're abusing you then they don’t love you, and tomorrow won’t be a better day. This person might think they love you, but they're delusional, no one abuses someone they truly love. Pack your bags and leave.

2) If you've been together for more than five years and you’re still not sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with them then something is wrong. You don’t have to leave; you just have to live with the fact that it's never going to happen. You’re not going to wake up with all the answers the next morning. Stay or leave it's your choice, but you know it's pointless.

3) If the other person doesn’t love you after a year or two than they never will, and they'll leave you the moment they find something they do love. You can't expect people to change, there might not be anything wrong with either of you, but it's unfair to ask someone to love you when they can't. 

The point of this is to say a simple fact: we all know deep inside whether it's working out or not. Follow your instincts, because they'll lead you in the right direction. 

Red Sea

So I just came back from vacation. I went to the red sea for a few days, and I really needed those few days. I was about to become suicidal all over again, but now I’m all refreshed and getting ready to get some much needed writing out of the way. I received some great advice from an amazing author last week and I’m going to try to do everything she said. She actually helped me see that there is hope for my writing, that I can possibly make it out there. Of course I need to wait till I finish this re-write to actually see how everything turns out. 

I’m also hoping to start a couple of new project soon. I have a couple of amazing ideas in my mind at the moment. I don't want to get carried away though. I need to finish Paradox first, everything else can wait. I also have the other novel I started, but I’m thinking of leaving that one as a short story, about 30k words or something; which is a short story for me. 

I don’t know if you've been following the news, but things in Syria haven’t quieted down, and things in Jordan are starting to flare. I don’t know where that leaves me. I can't imagine going to war for a country like Jordan. For a country I practically despise!

Hopefully things get better, but for now I’m going to concentrate on my writing!

Syria

So I’m going to talk about something meaningful today, something more important than me or you, or even my hate for Arabs, this is much larger than that. I’d like a moment to talk about the situation in Syria. It’s been going on for over a year now, and things get worse by the day, and if things keep going the way they have, then Syria doesn’t have much to look forward to. 

For those of you that don’t know I was in Jordan when the Arab protests started. I think they started with Tunisia, and then Egypt, and then Libya, and Yemen got in there at some point too, and then last we had Syria. All the other crises ended a few months after they'd begun, but as I mentioned the situation in Syria has been going on for over a year. 

I was there when the refugees began to flee; I was living less than an hour away from the border back then. They came with stories of kids being snatched up from their homes, never to be heard from again. And that was only the first few months. 

After I left Jordan things escalated for the worse. I remember my Syrian friend calling me to tell me that one of our friends in Syria was killed. I used to visit Syria frequently before the protests started. He told me how they had raped his sister and then killed them both, she was only 9. Unfortunately this scene wasn’t unpopular and slowly it became almost natural there. 

Then the massacres started, where they'd kill hundreds of children in a single week; take people out of their homes, torture and sexually assault them and even use children as human shields. 


Here's a video that everyone should see: http://youtu.be/F415nYV_PNg

I know the US and France and a bunch of other countries are trying to interfere, and so is the UN, but it's been going on for over a year. But my question isn’t for the people trying to help, but for the people preventing others from helping the people of Syria, and the men and woman in Syria causing all of this. When did we lose our humanity? When did we become so selfish that we let hundreds of children and woman die right in front of us, and worse kill them? 

I’m trying to understand how these people think. Do they not see the repercussions of their actions? What kind of person would kill a helpless child and go on to kill more? 

Most people just blame the government, but I blame the people. If no one followed Hitler we wouldn't have had a Holocaust. When did we let our humanity go for so called duty? 

The unfortunate thing is that we're all to blame, because we sit in our homes as countries wage war against each other, and children die, and we don't do anything about it.

On the Streets of Jordan

So I’m back to the job I was born to do, to be a personal chauffer for my sister. I had to take her to some martial arts lesson; hope that goes well. So I’m stuck wandering the streets until she's done. I brought my laptop so I can write somewhere. Of course it's taken me more than 45 minutes to find a decent place I can almost work in. Yet even in this place, in one of the nicest cafe's in the country there's so much noise, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to get lung cancer from all the people smoking here. But it's adequate, so I’m going to try to get some writing done; besides this place is giving me a lot of inspiration for my new book. 

New Novel

So I started a new project a couple of days ago, and this is completely different than anything I’ve done before. Most of my work is Sci-fi/fantasy; this one on the other hand is a non-fiction. Up till I had this idea all I knew about non-fiction was that it was real. So I had to do a bunch of research about non-fiction before getting started with my novel. I’m still doing some research, but I still haven't found the answer to my main question. Are you allowed to incorporate dreams and that kind of stuff into nonfiction? It’d be real, yet at the same time it's a lie. So can you lie in non-fiction?

Snow White and the Huntsman

I've been thinking about what I want this blog to be about. Do I want to talk about my writings, about movies and books, or do I want to write about some of my life experiences? I finally decided and it's going to be all of the above. 

To start things off I’m going to write a review of Snow White and the Huntsman. A movie I saw last week, and was pleasantly surprised by it. 

I have to admit I was more than a little bit skeptical about this movie. I love Charlize Theron, the woman is amazing, but Kristen Stuart as Snow White seriously? I thought that someone was going to get fired for making such a horrible casting call, but then the trailers came out, and surprisingly she had a new facial expression. 
            I got to see the movie in a sneak preview and I have to admit I actually liked it. The visuals were stunning, and the story actually blew me away. I expected a battle or two, Snow white eating the apple, and somehow everyone lived happily ever after. Yet even though the movie was over 2 hours long I found that they used the time well, and it didn't drag at all. 
            With all that said, I still think the movie would've been a little better, but I'm a pretty tough critic. For one I would've appreciated a longer ending, just a couple more minutes. One other thing didn't really make sense. One moment snow white can't hold a dagger to save her life, the next she's killing half the army herself and battling everyone. That transition needed a little bit of work, but on the other hand, I would've gotten bored if they had her training for a month or two.
             Overall the movie is pretty great. I definitely recommend watching it if you like action/adventure fantasy movies. I feel like a lot of them are the same nowadays, but I for one haven't gotten bored of them yet. I give this movie 7 out of 10. 

3 Wasted Weeks

Today really sucked, for one I discovered it was Wednesday and not Tuesday, which means I wasted 3 weeks doing absolutely nothing. My friend’s situation seems to be over, but who knows. 

I've been pretty sick these past few days, I don't understand why. Ever since I can remember I get sick once or twice a year maximum. It’s also always the same, my throat gets infected and I’m out for 2-3 days. So imagine my surprise when my stomach started killing me, and I had a fever for about a week, twice in three weeks. This shouldn't be happening to me! I think it's all psychological. I think I hate here so much that my body is acting out. I think what makes it worse is that my family hasn’t realized. I don’t know how, I’m coughing and dying right in front of them. This isn’t the first time though!

The good news is I’m back to writing, if barely. I’m kind of stuck though; I need to turn my 150k word novel to about 100k. How can you cut about 50k out of your novel? I think I’m overreacting, but this book has been a part of my life for almost 7 years now. Cutting 50k words feels like I’m cutting out 3 years of my life. I’m also not sure what to cut out. I have a general idea, but how can you ever be sure what will work or not? On the bright side I decided to stay working on it for at least another year before trying to publish it. I love writing, and if I get published it'll be because I want to give the world something it needs and not for the money. I think I just wanted to break free from my family and pay my own tuition and everything. I also wanted to help others, I know so many people that need help, and it sucks that I can’t help them.

I know I mentioned how much I hate it here, but what I hate the most is its effect on me. I dream of the day when coming here will be alright and won’t cause me to throw up every few minutes. Someday I’ll grow past all of this, and this place will be irrelevant to my life.

HOME

I've wanted to start a blog for quite a while now. I have so much to say, yet so few people to share it with. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of friends, or acquaintances as I like to call them, I just don't trust anyone really. I don't really care if anyone reads this or not, but I’d like to talk I suppose, or write. I've always been fond of writing, and I’m actually an aspiring writer, even though I’m terrible at it. 

I’m back home for the summer, and that in itself has caused me a lot of stress over the last few weeks. I also discovered that I can’t type properly, I apparently used to type with six fingers. There’s also the issue of a couple of friends breaking up, or not. They keep changing their minds, and I’m sick and tired of it. They’re not right for each other, I know it, they know it, everyone freaking knows it, but they won’t take the initiative and call it quits. This is why I believe in divorce more than marriage. Another reason why I’ll die alone!

I've been thinking, I've come a long way since last year (my suicidal days), but what happens if I go back to that. I’m not exactly happy, but I’m in a good place. Can I handle a relapse? I'm writing again, but the drive is the money again, and I thought I was better than that. Over the last year I've wanted to publish my first novel because I wanted to change the world, I didn't care about the money. Now I’m caring about the money for some reason, and I think that's wrong. I want to prefect it, because it deserves to be perfect. I want people to see it as I see it, a masterpiece. I know you're probably laughing, but I believe in this story. I've been writing it for a few years now, and as I grow older it ages like a fine wine. This book is the only thing that's been there for me, the only stable thing, and in my worst it was the light in the end of the tunnel. It was the hope of a better life, not just financially, but because I’d redeem myself. I would worth something, despite what everybody thinks. 

Being here makes me feel like I haven’t changed, when in reality I’m not the same person I was last year. I've been here two weeks, and I’m already dying. How will I survive the next few months here?